Thursday after classes: Room 403

[lovelylana.livejournal.com]

Lana made it through classes then went back to her room, trying not to look at the now-empty room across the hall. She'd talked to so many people about Shep leaving... Janet, Isabel, Anders and Victor, Phoebe, Jarod yesterday at the bookstore, Kiki today...

Sometimes it seemed like it got easier to talk about, but the pain just didn't seem to get any duller. She still couldn't eat, barely slept... She fought hard not to just hide away in her room, refusing to curl up under her covers and wish the world would go away, but God... There was nothing she'd rather do.

[OOC: Feel free to come check on her, harass her to eat, be a shoulder, whatever. She'll be grateful in the long run.]

Comments

[maias-notebook.livejournal.com]

Maia kicked the wall as she walked, not hard just kept kicking against it as she walked. She was worried about Lana. She hesitated in front of the door and knocked finally. She knew Lana was there, she had seen her.

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Lana opened the door quietly. She'd climbed into a pair of flannel pajamas as soon as she'd gotten home and just threw a robe on over them to answer the door.

"Yes? Oh, Maia... Hi."

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"He- Jesus you look like hell." Maia said stepping into the room.

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"Thanks," Lana said wryly, closing the door behind Maia and going back over to the easy chair by the window. She sat down with a sigh and stared out the window for a moment.

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Maia bit her lip and sat on the floor drawing her knees under her chin and watched Lana. "I'm sorry dearest." She said in a quiet voice.

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"I know," Lana said dully. "Thanks. It just... hurts so much. And I know I'm terrible company, so I'm sorry in advance."

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Maia shrugged a little "It's ok. I'm just here for you however you need me Lana."

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Lana managed a half-smile. "I know you are. Thanks. I just... right now I just feel sort of dead and dull inside. I don't even know if I can cry anymore."

She was quiet for a minute. "Everyone's been really nice, though. Really understanding."

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Maia returned the smile carefully and nodded. "Sometimes, the dead feeling inside, even if you don't cry on the outside; it's your body's way to cry inside." She said keeping her voice very calm and soft.

She tilted her head "But then, when your body is done...you cry and feel like you won't ever stop." Maia frowned thinking back to the previous fall. "But you will Lana, stop crying."

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"I know. It's not like this sort of thing is new to me," she said a little bitterly.

She shook her head. "I knew I shouldn't let myself get that close to him. I told you that back months ago. I should never have let myself care so much for him. Just should have stayed friends. It doesn't hurt as much when friends go. I told people he was going to leave, that he wouldn't stay and everyone told me I was crazy."

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Maia frowned and looked down at the floor, she wouldn't meet Lana's eyes for a moment and then she nodded.

"Depends on the friend that leaves." Maia said thinking of Aziraphale.

[lovelylana.livejournal.com]

Lana looked down. "He was my best friend, too," she said quietly. "I don't know which hurts worse. It's all too entwined."

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Maia slid over to where Lana was sitting and placed her hand next to her, she didn't touch her, she wasn't sure if Lana would welcome a touch or not.

"He cares for you Lana, very much." Maia said looking up at her friend in pain and feeling her heart ache for her. "He does."

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Lana brought her knees up to her chin and rested her head on them, closing her eyes as if that would close out the pain. "He told me not to wait for him. That I should go on with my life without him. That he didn't know if he'd ever be able to contact me again."

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Maia sighed heavily. "Do you believe you'll see him again?"

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Lana shrugged, still not lifting her head from her knees. "I don't know." She was stared out the window, watching the light fade away. She'd spent a lot of time in this chair staring out the window the past few days.

"I'm afraid to hope that I will. And it hurts too much to think that I won't."

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"Then let yourself hope." Maia whispered "It's better to hope to see him then accept that you won't." Maia followed Lana's gaze and stared out the window as well, the stars one by one started to come out just on the horizon.

"Do you think, if he's out there, on one of those stars that he would want you to hurt like this?" Maia knew it hurt Lana and heartbreak did not heal instantly but she couldn't stand to see Lana hurt again like this. She remembered all to well with Archie.

"Would you rather forget him? Under the tree? Maybe we could find it again..." Maia said in a questioning voice unsure if Lana would be upset with her suggestion or not.

[lovelylana.livejournal.com]

Lana buried her face in her knees, feeling the tears come again. She shook her head. "I don't know," she said. "I don't know if he's thinking about me at all out there. No. That's not true. He showed me where he would be. And no. I don't want to forget him. I wouldn't have chosen to forget Archie either. No matter how much it hurt."

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Maia stood up and rested her hands around Lana's shoulders and placed her chin on top of her head. "He's thinking about you Lana and he's so sorry that he had to leave you." Maia whispered her eyes closed.

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Lana nodded, but couldn't speak. Her throat was just too tight.

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Maia just held her, tightening her embrace on her and quietly looking out at the stars wishing that it was Shep holding Lana and not herself because then Lana wouldn't be heartbroken.

[lovelylana.livejournal.com]

For a moment Lana let herself imagine Shep was there, holding her... But it wasn't. She turned her head so she could stare out at the stars again, looking for the cluster he'd pointed out to her before he left.

"I miss him."

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Maia nodded against Lana's head. "Maybe...maybe he's got a thing up there and he can see you. Because he misses you. Maybe they have something so he can watch you sleeping and wish he was holding you."

[lovelylana.livejournal.com]

Lana put her head down again and cried silently, great wracking sobs. *Oh, I wish it was true* she thought. *If only it could be true,*

[maias-notebook.livejournal.com]

Maia stroked Lana's back slowly up and down not saying anything just letting Lana cry. She kissed the top of her head once and then continued to stroke her and hold her letting her cry.

[lovelylana.livejournal.com]

After a while Lana's tears died away and she used the corner of her pajama sleeve to wipe her eyes. "I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to do that."

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"It's ok." Maia said looking down at Lana. "It is."

[lovelylana.livejournal.com]

Lana let out a deep breath. "Okay." She turned her head to the window again. "That image meant a lot to me. Him watching me. Missing me. Thank you for that."

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Maia smiled, for the first time in her life she was happy with her ability.

"It's what I see." She whispered staring a little off to the side searching the stars for Chiana's face.

She relaxed a little against Lana blinking slowly, if she could she would reach into the stars and pull Shep down to Lana even if just to hold her one last time.

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Lana's eyes filled again, but it was a quieter sadness this time. "Thank you," she whispered again.

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Maia nodded. She stayed for a while longer in silence. She slid her arms slowly away from Lana and looked around the room, it seemed to big and empty and lonely. "Do you want me to stay? You can come stay over at mine if you want."

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Lana shook her head. "Thanks, but I think I just want to stay here. On my own. Maybe I'll even be able to sleep a little now. Thank you so much for coming though - and for being with me."

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Maia nodded, she hesitated at the door but then opened it up. "Call me, if you need me. I'm just a few floors away." She said before going to shut the door quietly behind her.

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"I will," Lana said. "Thank you."

When Maia had left, she turned off the lights and went back to staring out the window, letting herself believe that, just maybe, somewhere out there, Shep was watching the stars and thinking of her too.