Very late Wednesday night / Early Thursday morning - Roof

[the_merriest]

Rikku was thinking. She wasn't sure why she couldn't sleep, but she couldn't, dang it, so here she was, up on the roof, looking at the stars.

It wasn't necessarily bad thinking. Just ... a little quieter than she was used to. Trying to sort out a few things and find where she was, under it all.

The roof was open, as roofs tend to be, and Rikku would welcome anyone else awake who wanted to stop by and talk.

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[the_merriest]

"Just wasn't expecting it," she shrugged. "Kind of weird, how you start going, okay, that was a year ago, that was a month ago, next week it'll be exactly two months, like your mind needs to keep things circled and highlighted and beep at you, hey, just a reminder, here: time's still going."

[raspberryturk]

"Doesn't ever stop," he agreed, and even his slightly booze-fogged mind could pinpoint that there was something lingering under those words that probably wasn't for him to pick at. "Slows down now and then. But never nearly enough, I don't think."

[the_merriest]

"Sorry," she said, flushing. "I think I'm not very fun to talk to, right now. Just ... trying to figure something out, and it's kinda ..."

She shrugged. Not sure what it was "kinda", either.

[raspberryturk]

"Didn't know that havin' fun was a requirement when it came to talkin' to a friend," Reno mused. "You need help with the figuring?"

[the_merriest]

She sat for a long moment, thinking.

"I've changed," she said. "I'm not who I was a year ago. I used to think I had everything all mapped out, who I was gonna be, where I was gonna go, and I'm not sure I want that any more. I went home for break to clear out the ruins, you know, fiends everywhere, and - I kinda did it because someone should, but I really did it because - it made me feel better. Killing monsters, stealing their stuff, working our way back through. Maybe that makes me a terrible person. And maybe that's just who I am anyway, and I should stop pretending it isn't."

[raspberryturk]

"Shouldn't ever be anyone but you," Reno decided. "You pretend you aren't who you are, sooner or later, you're gonna lose track. And maybe you won't like the person you get to know yourself as later on, once you've gone and forgotten yourself, yo."

[the_merriest]

"I liked it," she repeated softly. "Killing fiends. Stealing their goodies. Teaching John and Sokka all the little tricks of it, how you armor break monsters that have huge shells on them, how you Reflect magic right back onto them. I like sparring, I like fighting, I like taking off for a weekend to go help someone save the world. And maybe ..."

She hugged her knees again. "Maybe if ... people ... don't like those bits of me, then ... they're not really okay with me at all."

[raspberryturk]

"Sounds like a big 'bit' of you, Rikku." Reno sat down beside her. "But I don't see nothin' wrong with it. Sparring, fighting, huntin' down monsters when they decide to pop up all over the city. Keeps you movin', yo. Kinda keeps you certain that you're still alive."

[the_merriest]

"It's always been part of me," she shrugged. "I mean, it's what you have to do, in order to survive. Going from city to city, diving for ruins, there are just monsters there, and you have to be able to beat them or you're done for."

She stared up at the stars again. "I thought ... once I was gone from there, I'd just ... I dunno. Retire. Move somewhere safe, where those things didn't happen. I don't need to be a Guardian any more, right? Sin's gone. And yet ..."

[raspberryturk]

Can take the kid outta the slums, but you can't take...

"It's what you know. Makes you who you are, I think. So it makes sense that you don't feel right unless it's still there, yo. Never really yourself if you're leaving pieces of you behind whenever you move on. Tryin' to be someone you're not never works well, I don't think."

[the_merriest]

"Maybe it was just never going to work out," she said, in a low voice, staring at her toes. "Didn't seem like that, at the time, though. I dunno."

Rikku licked her lips, still staring down at her feet. "I had to leave bits of me behind," she added gently. "My Home's gone."

[raspberryturk]

"So's mine." Reno glanced over at her, then looked up at the stars. "Probably not nearly the same, though."

He stared upward for a few moments, then looked back at her.

"Maybe if you were supposed to be someone you aren't, it's for the best that it didn't work out, yoto."

[the_merriest]

Rikku lifted a shoulder. "I guess some people ... aren't from worlds like ours. And so 'hey, I'm off to kill monsters,' that's ... not something they can handle. Even if, you know, someone's gotta kill the monsters. Right?"

She sighed again. "Sorry. Just ... wondering about a lot of things. You know?"

[raspberryturk]

"You're allowed to wonder," he said. He lifted a shoulder and offered a faint smile. "No point havin' a mind of your own if you can't use it. So not everyone understands what it's like to turn a corner holdin' your breath because you don't know if this'll be the one with one set of hungry teeth too many. Maybe if you put it like that and they still don't get it, then they just aren't tryin'."

[the_merriest]

"I think I was supposed to leave it and go 'whew, safe now, never, ever gonna use those awesome skills I picked up again.' Not take off for the weekend to save someone else's world, or spar, or miss killing monsters. I was supposed to just ... you know." She smiled, a little wryly. "I guess I harshed his Zen."

Which felt strange, to sit here talking about, so she fidgeted and looked over at him instead. "So why are you up here?"

[raspberryturk]

She wanted to change the topic? She apparently wanted to change the topic. Reno could run with that.

"Needed to be outside for a bit," he replied. "Figured I might as well stand out in the cold in a place with a view, at least. Didn't show Rude the view from up high while he was here. Wonder if he even bothered to look up."

He nearly laughed. It was a soft, breathy sort of exhale, really.

"Never gonna get used to seein' those stars."

[the_merriest]

"Is Rude from ... the same place you are? The ... city with the plate?" She mimed the double level with her hands. "Maybe he's used to stars. These stars are okay, but I miss the ones we had back home. All dark and quiet and so many of them, you know? Imagine it without the glare from the city over there" - she nodded to Alexandria - "and the whole sky pitch-black and just ... covered, like someone threw sparkles out onto it."

[raspberryturk]

Reno did laugh that time. Softly.

"Midgar? If he's from there, he sure as hell wasn't from under the plate, yo." Reno shook his head. "I can't even picture more stars in the sky than this. There's always glare and haze and a million other things. Doesn't have to be a plate in the way to keep you from seein' what's right up above your head, yo."

[the_merriest]

"I'll take you some time," she decided. "If you want to go. Out in Spira, we'll go way out to the Bik --"

Pause. Clear throat.

"Gagazet, probably. Zanarkand, the hills outside of it, and then you get the stream of pyreflies swooping down, too. You can see so many stars from there. It's incredible."

[raspberryturk]

"I think," Reno decided, looking at her with a smile on his lips again, "I'd probably enjoy somethin' like that."