fandomhighdorms | The Gym: Wednesday morning

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The Gym: Wednesday morning

Karal had fed his horse and walked around the school grounds. He'd wanted to ride, but he was too tense, and Trenor had had enough this past weekend.

His seemingly aimless path back led him past the gym, and he stopped in the doorway, staring. Dean was going to teach him the staff. It hadn't happened yet, but how hard could it be? It was a stick and you hit things with it.

He could do that. He needed to do something. Karal picked one, swinging it through the air, and approached the practice dummy. His first hit was tentative, his second much surer, and then he was wailing on it, slamming the staff into the head, the shoulders, driving it into the stomach as hard as he could.

Evey's voice saying, 'It was the Shadow Gallery, and V was standing there. He'd orchestrated the whole thing. He imprisoned me. He shaved my head. He tortured me. He told me I was going to die. He stripped me of all that I was.'

Wham.

'I needed to learn to set aside fear. To be more than I was. I needed to feel everything I felt in that cell in order to survive.'

Wham.

'I needed to be this way to save England.'

Wham.

'It was necessary.'

His breath was coming in gasps, his hands were starting to hurt and blister. He didn't notice. In his mind, the dummy wore a mask.

[ooc: it's a gym, so it's open, of course, but he's probably not going to talk to you.]

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Gavin didn't come down to the gym often enough but he found his way down there this morning.

He didn't think of this as the place Karal would come and he really didn't expect to see him beating up a dummy with a staff.

"I'm glad I'm not that dummy," Gavin said quietly.

It broke whatever spell he'd been under and he whirled around, eyes wide, clutching the staff against him. "I wasn't--" Except he was and he had been and he winced when he glanced back at the dummy. "I didn't know what else to do."

"If you need someone to hit, you can have me," Gavin offered. "I'll just hit back."

He dropped the staff and it clattered at his feet while he stared at Gavin in horror. "No. No, I don't, I would never--" He had to stop, taking a deep breath and another. Then he picked up the staff and walked over to put it away. "The person I was imagining is dead," he admitted quietly, not looking at Gavin. "And I'm glad he's dead. He should be dead. I hate him and I wish he could die all over again."

"It's called sparring, Karal and it's all right to do," Gavin assured him. "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. It's exercise, actually. Now, who do you wish is dead?"

He looked down at his hands, poked at a blister. "That was not sparring." He looked at Gavin over his shoulder and wrapped his arms around himself. He desperately wanted to tell someone, to tell Gavin, but they were Evey's secrets. But if he didn't get the words out, he was going to break. "He hurt Evey." Hurt. He had to choke back a laugh, because that didn't even come close to what V had done to her.

"Another student?" Gavin asked carefully, trying to keep Karal as calm as he could.

"No. It wasn't here. It happened before she came here. He--" He stopped and scrubbed a hand across his face, which stung his hands. "Bright Flame, Gavin, I hate him. I have never hated anyone and I hate him. I'm a priest, I'm not supposed to hate."

"Yeah but we kinda can't always control our emotions," Gavin told him. "I know. I hate a few people and wouldn't mind if they died. Doesn't make me any less of a good person."

Karal gave an uncomfortable twitch of his shoulders. "It feels wrong and I don't care. I can't stop," he said, voice low, and he wandered over to slide down the wall, knees drawn up in front of him. "He hurt her, Gavin. She trusted him and he betrayed her. Hurt her so badly and for so long I can't believe she survived." She didn't survive, not really, not whole. "And he made her think it was necessary."

Gavin followed, crouching down in front of Karal. "She survived because she's strong. And she's obviously willful. You don't have to stop hating this person, Karal. It doesn't make you a bad person and it doesn't mean you're going to turn into anything more than someone who cares for another person."

He swallowed once, hard, and nodded. "I can't let her know, Gavin. She can't ever know how I feel. She thinks what he did was necessary, that it was justifiable. If she finds out, I'll lose her."

"Okay," Gavin said, moving to sit beside Karal now. "So, you get it out other ways. You pray, you talk to Altra, talk to me. Go running, go into the Preserve and scream. Get it out. And then go back to her and be who she loves."

"I promised I'd never hide from her." Karal put his forehead on his knees and let out a long, shaky breath. The knot in his stomach was starting to unravel. "But I have to hide this. It would hurt her to know it. I love her so much, and she's been hurt enough."

"We all have secrets, Karal," Gavin told him. "There are things you don't know about me and I'll probably never tell you. Whatever happened to her, it sounds terrible and you want to protect her from that happening again. So, you do what you have to do to do that."

He knew about secrets. Keeping secrets was part of his job, and he nodded slowly. Protect her. "Yes," he said quietly. He hadn't thought of it from quite that angle. "Yes, you're right." Karal tipped his head back against the wall, staring up at the ceiling. "I hate this. I hate feeling like this. I think I'd happily kill him if he was standing in front of me."

"It's okay to think like that," Gavin assured him. "It makes you human. I've thought that before. Hell, I've come close to actually following through. He's not here but you are and she is. So, you let her lean on you and be with you and I'm sure that'll help her more than anything."

Karal took a deep breath, letting Gavin's words wash over him, then let it out slowly. The knot in his gut, the tangle of barbs and shadows, was slowly uncoiling. It was still there, but it didn't hurt nearly as much. The anger was still there, but it was manageable.

He turned his head to give him a small smile. Sunlord, thank you for him. "You're very wise," he said. "Have you ever thought of giving up piloting for the priesthood?"

Gavin was surprised into laughter and shook his head lightly. "No, I haven't. That's one of the best compliments I've ever gotten though."

"You said exactly the right words. I think part of me knew what you told me, but I couldn't think, I couldn't get past how angry I was. Sunlord, even saying the Rites didn't help. I was just so furious," he said quietly. "That's part of what a priest does, takes people past their anger." He looked down at his hands, shaking his head ruefully at the blisters, at the ache in his shoulders. "Thank you. I hate to think of how much damage I would have done without you."

Edited 2008-04-03 02:13 (UTC)

"No problem," Gavin said and reached over to pat Karal's shoulder gently. "Sometimes being aggressive like that helps, though. Even if using the staff isn't for you, sometimes it helps to throw things or run and scream and or hit something. It's okay to do that."

He relaxed a little bit more at the touch. "Dean was going to teach me the staff, but I'm not sure I want to learn, now," he explained. "I would have taken Trenor out, but I didn't trust myself with him. Next time, I'll run. No more beating on people-shaped things."

Edited 2008-04-03 02:32 (UTC)

"If you do need to hit something, we can always spar," he told him again. "It doesn't hurt me and it won't hurt you. It's a way of keeping your skills sharp."

"Maybe," he said after a minute, then smiled. "Though I supect I'd spend a lot of time looking up at the ceiling. Training to duck is not the same as training to spar."

"Yeah, but you'd learn pretty quick," Gavin assured him, laughing. "I've learned that personally."

Karal chuckled. "Possibly," he conceded, then hauled himself to his feet with a groan. "I've certainly learned folly is its own reward. Glory, I ache."

"Take a hot shower," Gavin said, climbing to his feet. "Use heat on the muscles that hurt, not ice."

"More wisdom. You might have to become my advisor." Karal stretched, winced, and regretted it. "Official advisor in charge of preventing me from being stupid."

"I've never had a cool title like that before," Gavin teased. "Or been anything official."

Karal elbowed him playfully. "You were supposed to say: Karal, you don't need an advisor to keep from being stupid," he chided and gestured towards the door. "Come and have a cup of tea with me? I actually have good news to share with you."

"I can do that," Gavin said, nodding. "Always willing to hear some good news."

Karal nodded back. He would make tea and tell Gavin what had been discovered about the mage storms. Then he'd shower and try and sleep.

He felt calmer. Still angry, still with a sharp point of hatred he doubted would ever leave him, but under control. He could think again, he could breathe again.

Sunlord, thank you for him, he thought for the second time, more prayer, really, than thought, and led the way out of the gym.

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The Gym: Wednesday morning

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