fandomhighdorms | The Roof, Wednesday morning

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The Roof, Wednesday morning

The Raven that went up to the roof Wednesday morning was not giddy with love, but she wasn't wallowing in depression, either. She was calm and composed. Repression was a wonderful thing.

She paused to contemplate the garden, feeling a strange sort of rightness in it, as if she almost knew it had been originally planted by another half-demon with emo issues. Then she settled nearby and let herself drop into a meditative trance, allowing her Soul-Self rise up and fly free overhead.

[ooc: open as rooftops are -- she's conscious and aware despite her soul off sight-seeing. ;) ]

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Joan had heard radio. Joan knew that Raven was probably not having a good morning. Thus her quest to find her friend.

After checking her room and the common rooms, she headed up to the roof.

"Raven?" she said quietly, not wanting to startle the other girl.

Raven opened her eyes and glanced over her shoulder at Joan. "Good morning, Joan," she said. "How are you today?"

"I'm fine," Joan said, finding a spot to sit near Raven. "Are you okay?"

"I am well, thank you," Raven said. "I decided to come to the roof to meditate this morning before the day becomes too warm."

Joan nodded. "I heard on the radio that Chuck stopped by to talk to you last night."

She was starting to get the feeling that Raven was repressing. And she knew that couldn't be healthy.

Raven nodded. "He did," she said. There was the slightest of catches to her voice.

"You want to talk about it?" Joan asked, the catch in her voice not going unnoticed.

"There is not much to say," Raven said quietly. "He corrected me on my misconceptions of his feelings and motives for consoling me. I...appreciated the lesson. I was unfamiliar with the nuances between love and desire. Now I have a better understanding."

"That doesn't make it hurt less," Joan pointed out.

"I am more distressed by my inability to realize that he did not truly care for me," Raven said. Avoiding the question, table for one. "I should have been able to sense that beneath his wish to make me feel better were his own urges for carnal gratification and conquest, and that I would be nothing more than a few hours diversion. If my gifts had not been so unstable since my visit to the other Fandom, I am certain I would have realized this."

"Don't blame yourself," Joan said. "Chuck is generally a nice guy."

Yes, Joan still thought this.

"You wanted to feel good, he wanted to make you feel good," she said. "There was just a disconnect in what that meant. There's nothing wrong with two people sharing physical comfort with each other."

"It is also something I am not allowed to indulge in," Raven said. "I went against all my training because I craved comfort so strongly. I should never have done so, but the past cannot be undone, and now I must learn to live with the consequences."

Like the voice of her father in her head, urging her to take revenge on Chuck.

Joan frowned a little at that. "I thought you and Professor Skywalker were working on you opening up a little more with your emotions. I mean, granted, the whole sex thing is opening things more than a little, but... craving comfort isn't a bad thing."

It was probably good that Joan wasn't aware of that voice in her head.

Raven shook her head. "These past two weeks have shown me that Azar was right. I cannot allow myself to feel, especially so strongly. I have harmed myself and others, and I cannot risk that any longer."

"I disagree," Joan said. "I think that the past couple of weeks have shown that you need to learn how to better deal with your emotions."

"My emotions have caused me to harm others," Raven said. "Rage made me lash out at Tahiri and attack Professor Skywalker. Fear made me try to harm Max when I met him in this world. And love...." She broke off, not wanting to confess the brief urge she'd had last night to inflict as much pain on Chuck as he had on her.

"It's because you have no experience with them," Joan said. "Emotions are not wrong. And no one can control how someone or something makes them feel."

Especially when alternate universe versions of them have done horrible things to you.

"The thing we can control is how we act on them. It's okay to get mad or scared or, uh... affectionate. You just have to learn what the appropriate way to deal with those emotions is."

"I do not think I can take the risk, Joan," Raven said. "Each time I have harmed another, it sickens me. But...some dark place inside me revels in it. I cannot let that part become stronger."

Joan nodded. "I understand that. Isn't that what Professor Skywalker is helping you with?"

"The last time we spoke, we agreed it would be best to cease my experimentation," Raven said. Of course, two days later she'd ended up sleeping with Chuck, so that plan hadn't gone over well.

Not so much, no.

"You should talk to him about what's happened," Joan said.

"He knows what happened in the other Fandom," Raven said. "I told him how I struggled there, and he witnessed first hand how I lost control."

"You should talk to him about what happened with Max and Chuck too," Joan suggested.

"I will tell him of my encounter with Max when I see him tomorrow," Raven said. "I did not know his name until I met him last week; I was not even sure he lived in this Fandom. He was not pleased with what his other self had done."

"Well, that's good," Joan said. "Does he have powers like yours?"

"They are similar," Raven said. "He said he could guess what his other self had done to me. He could see I was damaged."

Joan nodded. "Do you think he could help you learn to control yours better?"

Though she knew Max was not the same as his counterpart in the other Fandom, she couldn't stop fear from flashing across her face. "I do not know," she said.

"Not right away," Joan said, catching the fearful look. "Once you've had some time to deal with everything."

"He offered his aid to me should I somehow require his help," Raven admitted. "But I do not know if I can look upon him and not remember...."

Joan leaned over and gave her a hug. "I understand."

Raven hugged her back. "You are correct, though, in that he might be able to help me learn to better use my gifts. I shall consider it."

"We need another girls night out soon, I think," Joan decided.

"It may indeed be a useful distraction," Raven agreed.

"I'll talk to the girls and see what works for everyone," Joan said.

"Please do not pick an activity that would normally invoke a great deal of emotion," Raven said quietly.

"We'll do something nice and relaxing," Joan promised, considering a spa day.

"Relaxing would be most agreeable," Raven said. "Thank you, Joan."

"You're welcome, Ra... Raven," Joan said, remembering to use the correct name at the last moment.

Raven gave Joan a small smile. "I suppose there may be people who are confused about my true name now. I was using it in the other Fandom instead of Rachel. I see no reason not to give my true name now."

Joan nodded. "Makes sense to me."

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The Roof, Wednesday morning

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