fandomhighdorms | Dorm Roof, Thursday Afternoon

"Are you kidding?" Kathy asked. "And run the risk of being able to guilt you over not saving me cake even though I brought back presents?"

By which Kathy meant, she'd gotten souvenirs for everyone and it had been Ringo's birthday. Just, you know, she'd said it in their weird Kathy-and-Ringo speak, which she was sure Ringo would translate correctly.

"Or worse, get guilted for coming back empty-handed and then finding cake. It was delicious, you know. I had it for breakfast before leaving for Zanzibar." Which was a totally normal sentence to say. At least in Fandom.

So saying, she handed Ringo the bag, which contained a keychain in the shape of a mini-Tesla coil from Griffith Observatory, a fitted "I <3 LA" t-shirt, and a selection of treats from Yamazaki Bakery, including melon pan, chicken curry buns, and--best of all-- thick, gooey slice of strawberry cheesecake. "Happy birthday, Ringo."

Ringo took the bag, barely glancing inside (which was probably a pretty big giveaway that something was up), and clutched it in front of her with a grin. "I'm glad you liked it, and thanks for the presents." She flushed again and looked up at Kathy, just kind of studying her face for a couple of seconds.

Which was totally normal.

Not to sound like Kathy had expected effusive gratitude or anything, but'd at least expected Ringo to, you know, look in the bag.

"Ah, you're welcome?" she said, sounding a little confused. "Glad you, err, liked them."

She was getting a bad feeling about this.

Bad feeling? Pffft, what could possibly happen?

Other than Ringo looking awkward, glancing down at her hands (but still not really into the bag). "Um," she swallowed, "thanks for coming and meeting me up here."

She'd been half worried that Kathy would be too busy.

"Well, you called and asked, rather than just dropping by my room, so I figured it was probably important," Kathy said, that bad feeling going exactly nowhere. "What's up? Is everything okay?"

Edited 2016-03-03 19:38 (UTC)

"Oh, everything's fine!" Ringo said quickly, not wanting Kathy to be worried. It probably would have been more convincing if she hadn't looked so dang nervous.

"I've just, um," been finding it hard to look you in the face, Kathy. No big deal!

"Ringo," Kathy asked gently. "Is this about what happened in my room the other week? Because that was entirely my fault and I'm so sorry for having taken advantage."

That pulled Ringo's eyes up to Kathy, and her lips twitched into a slight smile. "Funny. I seem to remember me being the one taking advantage." She blushed as she said it, but that smile was real.

"And it's not really about that? I mean, um, that got me thinking, and I guess it's probably what made me decide to talk to you about this." You know. 'This'.

Kathy shook her head. "I'm older, I'm clearly wiser--" okay, that one she was teasing for, though the rest were serious, "--I knew what was happening, and I have way more experience than you, both with that particular bit of Fandom weird and, umm, in general." The sudden blush helped explain what she meant by 'in general.' "That kiss was my fault, so if you're at all worried or feeling bad, you really shouldn't. It's all on me."

Edited 2016-03-03 19:59 (UTC)

Ringo shook her head, still smiling slightly. "Well, for what it's worth, I rather enjoyed it."

She took a deep breath, her expression flattening slightly. "And, um. It wasn't just Fandom, you know?" She'd wanted to. Still did, to some degree.

"I...kinda wondered?" Kathy said, not entirely sure Ringo was saying what she thought she was saying, but unable to figure out what else it could be. "It sounds like you have, umm, something to say?"

Ringo nodded jerkily, taking another deep breath. "You, um, might have guessed already, but, um, my 'secret crush'?" Come on, Ringo. You could do it!

She made herself look up into Kathy's eyes, her own wide and nervous. "It, um, is kinda you?" Except without the 'kinda' part.

Kathy nodded. "I'd guessed," she said quietly.

Or, rather, Dante had told her and she'd realized he was right, but she guessed Ringo would prefer not to know the details.

"Or, at least, thought it might? But I didn't want to assume. I mean, that could be awfully arrogant..."

Yup. Kinda at a loss here. Trying not to look so completely out of her depth? But kinda at a loss.

...She shouldn't say thank you, right? Probably not. This didn't seem like a thank you kind of moment.

"Actually." Deep breath, blow it out. "That's kind of dancing around the issue."

Yeah. Breathing was good! Oxygen was important, and it bought you a second or two to figure out what to say.

"Kathy, I love you."

There! She'd said it! Congratulations, Ringo!

"I, um, I know it's really selfish of me to call you up here and tell you that. I know, that, um," look, Ringo wasn't an idiot. She knew this was one-sided. "I know that you don't feel the same way, and I'm just putting this on you to get it off my chest."

She tried for a little smile. It sort of worked. "I know that's not fair of me. Sorry." But she'd done it anyway, so she must figure Kathy would forgive her.

Kathy was going to take a moment and bluescreen at Ringo. That was okay, right? The bluescreening? She hadn't been sure how she was going to handle a confession of a crush, never mind something as...big...and serious as love.

"Uh..." ERROR ERROR ERROR

No one had ever said they loved her before! Not like this, anyway! She had absolutely no real world experience to figure out how to respond to this and her taste in fanfiction wasn't providing any solid tips, either.

"Umm..." Please hold. All systems rebooting.

"Ringo, I..."

At least those were words! She didn't have any others to put after them, but she'd definitely gotten a few out!

Funny how much easier to breathe it seemed to be now that she'd actually said it. Ringo shook her head, setting her pigtails swaying, and clutched the bag Kathy had given her tightly.

"You don't have to, um," what? "It's okay that you don't, you know, feel the same way. I mean, you know?" Know what? Apparently Ringo had used up most of her coherence getting her initial speech out.

Edited 2016-03-03 21:14 (UTC)

Well, easier for one of them, anyway. Kathy's own autonomic functions were kind of sputtering still. She was pretty sure she'd forgotten how blinking worked.

"Sorry," she said after another few seconds of emergency brain protocols kicking in. "I've never--you're the first person who's ever said that to me. I'm a little, umm, surprised. Sorry. I'm really hoping I'm not being an asshole right now."

Yeah, mouth filters were definitely disengaged for the moment.

That that was Kathy's worry made Ringo grin. "Hey, you don't look horrified, or disgusted, so, um," Ringo looked down at her feet again, still grinning slightly, "you could have laughed in my face or something."

"So, no, you're not being an asshole."

Ringo had said that she didn't mind if Kathy didn't feel the same way, that she expected it, but she felt a twist in her stomach at the reminder that Kathy was so sweet, so quick to worry about others. It wasn't like Ringo had fallen in love for no reason.

And at this particular moment, being reminded of those reasons was a sharp, spiky feeling in her chest.

"You wanna sit down? I'm gonna sit down," Kathy said, taking a abrupt seat on the roof with as little grace as Ringo had probably ever seen her display. Honestly, now that she was starting to get her sluggish thoughts working again, not hurting Ringo (more than she had to) was becoming the top priority. She didn't love Ringo--not like that, anyway. Which, at least, Ringo knew, which meant she wasn't about to curbstomp her heart and hopes.

Well, not overmuch anyway. Kathy'd nurtured her own fair share of hopeless crushes to know that losing them was never unpainful.

"I'm not horrified," she said, finding a spare bit of backbone somewhere and putting it into sounding firm. "Or disgusted. I couldn't ever be. I'm, umm, surprised?" That was obvious. "And flattered? But you're someone I care about. So I'd never--be that way about it."

She nervously tucked her hair behind her ear. "Care about," she clarified. "But not--not like that. I'm sorry, Ringo."

She didn't point out that she didn't like girls that way. Ringo knew.

Ringo was a lot more careful, smoothing her skirt carefully, but she joined Kathy in sitting down on the roof.

That was, to be honest, basically what she'd thought Kathy would say. Too nice, too good of a person to be mean about it, but too honest to not say what was on her mind. So Ringo had been ready to hear it.

Well, that's what she'd been telling herself, anyway. The sudden lump in her throat suggested she might have been fooling herself at least a little bit. Or a lot.

She licked her lips, trying to keep her fingernails from tearing into the paper of the bag Kathy had brought her when her fingers curled way too tightly.

"You don't have to apologize," Ringo said softly. "I mean, it was unfair of me to do this." She licked her lips again. "I hope you're not mad at me for being so selfish. For, um, putting you on the spot, and, well, you know."

She just had to keep that small smile on her lips, and any pain out of her voice. Ringo had known that ambushing Kathy like this wasn't fair, and she'd done it anyway, so she at least she could try not to pile any more guilt on the other girl.

She was kind of managing. Sort of.

"I guess I am a little surprised about that," Kathy admitted. Well, about that and everything else. "Maybe it's just because I spent my whole life hiding my crushes that I never would have even dreamed about confessing them out loud, never mind to whomever was on the other side."

'Crushes' because Kathy hadn't ever been in love. And because she wasn't quite ready to use that word for what Ringo was feeling for her, either. Regardless of what Ringo thought it was, the idea that it could be love was a bit too big for Kathy right now.

[OMG THIS NEVER POSTED I AM SO SORRY. ~~especially since I was just about to bug you~~]

"Yeah?" Ringo smiled awkwardly. "I thought about not saying anything. Especially since I knew you, well," didn't feel the same way. "But I don't know, I just felt like I couldn't? Like I'd spent so many years bottling things up that if I did it again I'd regret it."

She sighed. "I know I'm only fifteen," well, sixteen now, "so maybe it doesn't really mean anything." But it meant something. It meant a lot. Ringo had had simple crushes before. In fact, that's what she'd started out with for Kathy, but it was more than that now.

And, sure, Ringo was self-aware enough to know that it might just be 'puppy love' or whatever, but that didn't make her heart soar any less when she watched Kathy. It didn't make it hurt any less to sit here and keep a slight smile on her face, either.

"But," deep breath, "you know there's a lot to love about you, Kathy." Ringo's smile reached up into her eyes for a few seconds. "I'm surprised you're surprised, really."

"I appreciate your honesty," Kathy said with a wry smile. "Especially since I can only guess how hard it was for you to say it." She'd watched how hard it was, in fact. "I've never been that brave. And I'm glad you felt like you could say something, rather than keeping it in."

Regardless of whatever it was. Kathy might not be comfortable admitting it was love, but she wasn't going to insult Ringo by insisting it wasn't, either.

"And--I guess I've never really thought about it before? I've never, like, had a boyfriend or whatever." Guys she was having fun with, sure, but not ones that were interested in a relationship with her. "I think sometimes I forget about all the progress I've made since being here and still see myself as the same fifteen year old that arrived, even though I am so different. That Kathy would have been just as surprised to hear it."

Ringo ducked her head. "Well, it might have been easier to tell because it's you," she admitted. Because when you were absolutely positive that the person you confessed to would do their best to make sure you didn't end up hurt, well, it was easier to make that confession. Even if you knew it was going to hurt no matter what they did.

"I don't know," Ringo added. "I bet fifteen year old you was still you, and still pretty awesome." In some ways, it was too bad Ringo had missed that, but in most ways she was really glad to have the Kathy she did.

"Hard to say," Kathy said, brushing her hair away from her face. "I'm both too close and too far away from who I used to be to say for sure. You'd have to ask someone who knew me back then. Either Anders or Sparkle by this point, I think. Almost everyone else has gone."

Stupid time. With the way that it went.

"Some days I feel like I'm lightyears away from that girl. Others, like I haven't made any progress at all."

She probably shouldn't, but Ringo took a few moments to just watch the way Kathy moved, the way her fingers slid through her hair. To remember a couple of weeks ago, and imagine they were her fingers.

"I don't know how much things have changed," Ringo admitted. "But I do know that if I'm even half as awesome as you in a couple of years, I'll totally consider it a win."

"Weeeelll...." Kathy drawled. "It'll be tough for you, but with my mentorship, you might be able to get there."

She gave Ringo a sideways smile, half just checking in to make sure it was okay to tease. She doubted their relationship had changed that much, but she could also understand if Ringo was feeling a bit fragile right now.

"Is there anything I can...do?" she asked softly. "Or not do? To make this easier? I don't want to have this be, like, a thing between us, but I don't want to be careless with your feelings, either."

It actually kind of hurt that Kathy was so considerate about this. Another reminder of why Ringo felt the way she did.

But it also made it easier. A lot easier.

Ringo smiled back. It was a bit uncertain, but it was a smile. One she hoped reassured Kathy. She wanted the other girl to know that she appreciated, well, everything.

"Just, well, keep being awesome," she decided softly. "And," she swallowed, "don't take it personally if I take a little bit of time and space?" Deep breath. "I still want to be your friend." She looked down, then glanced up through her eyelashes as her voice dropped low. "Still want to be your kohai."

Kathy could try being more of a heartless jerk if Ringo really needed her to be, but she didn't really think she'd be very good at it. But she'd try!

"You can have all the time and space you need," Kathy assured her. "But--my door to you is open whenever. I'll probably wait till you come to me? Just because I want to make sure you have the space and time you need. I don't want to push before you're ready. But you're always welcome. Don't be too much of a stranger, okay?"

"Can't get rid of me that easily," Ringo shot back with a watery sort of smile.

Dang it, she wasn't supposed to cry, but if Kathy was nice and considerate for much longer, she knew she was going to.

And Kathy would be horrified, certain she'd done something terrible.

"Better not be able to," Kathy said. "Or I'll come in and steal your ATs when you're not paying attention. That'll show you."

"Like you'd know what to do with them." There was an easy grin, and a glint in Ringo's eye. Because teasing and banter were familiar ground, and it made it easier to pretend like Kathy hadn't just shot her down. In the nicest way possible, of course, but still.

Lucille would have lots to say about Kathy's much-vaunted niceness. Maybe after this conversation made radio tomorrow, she'd stop by and share her thoughts! Wouldn't that be a great conversation for Ringo to enjoy!

"I wouldn't have to," Kathy said. "The important thing is that you'd learn a lesson. See? Always the best senpai."

Even when she was breaking Ringo's heart.

Even then, yes.

"Always," Ringo agreed, the banter falling away for a moment as she just smiled.

"Always," Kathy promised in return.

Then, looking regretful, she pushed herself up. "I should...I should probably go," she said softly. "I bet you could use some of that time you mentioned. And me, being here, probably isn't making anything easier. But I'll be around for whenever you want, okay?"

She moved like she was going in for a hug, then stopped, clearly unwilling to offer any gesture to Ringo she didn't want.

Ringo saw that hesitation, and it almost broke her heart.

Things had already changed between them, even if it was just a little bit. She felt that lump in her throat again, and had to fight not to sniffle. But she wasn't going to let things end today on that note, so she pushed herself up and stepped forward into that hug.

And if she squeezed harder than usual, or leaned into Kathy more, well, it was just this one time. It was selfish of her, but it was probably okay.

Kathy would forgive her.

Of course Kathy would. And she clung tightly to Ringo for a few seconds longer than strictly necessary. "I'll talk to you later," she promised. "Whenever you're ready."

She squeezed Ringo one more time and then stepped back and nodded at the bag. "Some of the stuff in that might help."

Strawberry cheesecake was good for the soul. Maybe not as good as chocolate, but close.

"And if it turns out you'd rather not--give it to Dante. He'll take care of it for you." Beat. "Uhh, if you don't want to share it, don't even let him know you have it, okay?"

"It'll be our secret," Ringo promised with a smile, forcing herself to step back a little bit and give Kathy a bright smile.

Everything was fine. Nothing to worry about.

"And I'll come by before too long."

"Whenever you need," Kathy said, stepping away. "And until then, be well, Ringo, okay?"

Kathy worried, okay? She worried.

"Be well, Ringo," she said aoftly. "Be well. And I'll see you soon."

And then she left the roof, heading back to her room. She had a lot to think about.

"Hai, senpai," Ringo agreed, bobbing her head and aiming one last bright smile at Kathy as she turned to go.

Once Kathy was gone, the burning behind Ringo's eyes started up again, and she stuck her face into the bag Kathy had given her, where no one could see, and sniffled a little bit.

It smelled good.

Time to go stuff her face with junk food and find a pillow to cry into.

Dorm Roof, Thursday Afternoon

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