South Attic after the JA meeting - locked between Beka and Bel

[valentine-tart.livejournal.com]

After a very...interesting...JA meeting, Beka and Bel wanted somewhere private to talk. Upon discussion, Bel shimmered them to the door of South Attic. Her stomach twisted and she felt a bit green, but all in all, it wasn't too much worse than her first slipstream. In time she might get used to it.

Beka keyed the wards and let them in. Not seeing her roommates, but not wanting to be disturbed, she led him into her bedroom and shut the door.

Comments

[demonbelthazor]

Belthazor sat down wearily, his good mood of earlier in the day diminished. He was so not being emo because his boyfriend didn't approve of his girlfriend, not at all. "Thanks," he said, looking down at the floor.

[valentine-tart.livejournal.com]

Beka sat down beside him, her mood much improved not at all because both Draco and Angelus decided to hit on her ferociously, but sensitive to Bel's needs she kept her voice soft. "Not a problem. I'd totally offer to hug you but I don't know how demons feel about hugs. So...?"

[demonbelthazor]

"Angelus says Phoebe treats me like a dog," Belthazor said. His tone may have easily been described as "pouting."

[valentine-tart.livejournal.com]

"Phoebe doesn't treat anyone like a dog." Beka's tone was fiercely loyal. Then she softened it again and asked, "Do you feel like you're on a leash?"

[demonbelthazor]

"No!" he exclaimed. "I mean...." He struggled for the words. "It's just...different. Back home I would just claim her and put my mark on her and she'd be mine. I'm not used to this human boyfriend stuff."

[valentine-tart.livejournal.com]

There was a bit of an edge to Beka's tone. "Claiming her is no solution. If she doesn't want to be with you of her own free will, then you shouldn't force her." She sighed, dispelling the tension of her own hot button. This wasn't about her. "But she does love you. Wants to be with you, from everything I've seen. So...what's the problem?"

[demonbelthazor]

"Yeah, she does," Belthazor said, oblivious to Beka's discomfort. "So why does Angelus say she treats me like a dog?"

[valentine-tart.livejournal.com]

"Because he totally wants you for himself. Like any sane man, woman or vampire would. Because he's used to controlling everything. You can't control love. Not that I'm any good at it, mind, but ... you have to ride it where it takes you."

[demonbelthazor]

Of course. Am so hot am turning self on. Belthazor frowned a little, thinking. "Do you think he's worried that Phoebe's affecting me? Making me soft or something? Because she's totally not. I'm still an evil demon. Really. Really."

[valentine-tart.livejournal.com]

I want to agree. But feeding your ego... well. Yes. You're very hot. "I don't pretend to know what Angelus thinks, Bel. Except about sex I don't think you've gone soft. For whatever that's worth." Except you totally have. If you were truly evil still, you'd have me naked already. Angelus would. *taunt*

[demonbelthazor]

"Then why would he say that about her?" Belthazor said unhappily. "I'm still a demon. That hasn't changed. I just...care about Phoebe, too. I can do both."

[valentine-tart.livejournal.com]

"Bel! You're a demon. Why would you say something like that? Why does Angelus ever say anything?" Beka sighed. "Yes. Yes. You can do both. Of course you can. Show me where it's written that a demon can't love?" She prayed there wasn't, in fact, anything of that sort.

[demonbelthazor]

"Well...." Belthazor said slowly. "Most demons can't. They can desire and lust, but they can't love. I'm...different, though."

[valentine-tart.livejournal.com]

Belthazor took the offered cigarette and conjured a fireball to light it, then held out his hand to Beka to light hers. He sucked down a lungful of smoke, exhaled, and said, "I'm not used to this emotions thing. I don't know what to do sometimes. I do know I want to protect Phoebe and make sure she's safe. That doesn't mean I'm on her leash."

Beka accepted the light with a nod, wondering idly why it had never once bothered her that Bel could light a cigarette off his hand. No different, in some ways, than the nanites that colored her hair, maybe. Just a part of him. Like his soul. She inhaled, letting the smoke fill her lungs, then exhaling steadily before she spoke.

"Emotions are...messy. I'm not the best person to advise you. But I understand. When you want to protect someone...when you care about them so much that you almost can't bear to leave their side... it's complicated. On the outside, to someone else, it might look like a leash. On the inside, it feels almost the opposite. Like you're trying to put a leash on them.

"But...when you act based on your emotions, without thinking, you are on a leash. It's just there's no one holding the other end." She takes another short drag off the cigarette, and blows it out while steadily meeting his gaze.

[demonbelthazor]

"That's how I was trained to act," Belthazor said. "Instinct. Act without thinking. Leave the thinking to Raynor or the Source. They're the ones giving the orders." He stopped and frowned. "I guess I am on a leash...just not Phoebe's."

[valentine-tart.livejournal.com]

Beka gave a very small nod of encouragement. "You get tangled up in your instincts and your passions. All of them. You can't reject what you are, Bel," she says softly. "That wouldn't be right. But maybe you can find ways to be what you are that you can live with?"

[demonbelthazor]

"I don't know if that's possible," Belthazor said, shaking his head. "I'm a demon. It's what I am. That won't change. But when I'm with Phoebe, I feel different. I feel...human, I think. It's been so long since I've felt that way that I don't remember it anymore."

He was silent for a moment, taking a long drag on his cigarette. "I don't know how long I can be both," he said. "I thought about finding a way to get rid of my soul. Thought that would solve the problem and make the pain go away and make everything clear and simple again. But then even knowing what I am Phoebe still wanted to be with me, so I haven't tried to go through with it."

[valentine-tart.livejournal.com]

Beka stared at him, then shook her head. For a few minutes, she said nothing, just took long drags off her cigarette. Finally, she looked at him. "Don't be an idiot. I don't think having a soul makes you good or evil or does anything except help you feel. Or stops you from doing things. It just makes you who you are." She tried another tack. "I like who you are. And so does Angelus. Your emo is what makes you love him.

[demonbelthazor]

"You don't know all the things I've done," Belthazor muttered. "You wouldn't like me so much then, I think. And I'm just one in a long line of people he's sleeping with. He's such a heartbreaker!"

[valentine-tart.livejournal.com]

"Past is past," Beka said firmly. "And future..." She sighed. "Is also past." She holds up a hand to stop the conversation from veering off that direction. "My issue. Another time. For now...don't be so certain. I get along with Angelus, don't I? He can't break your heart if you only give him your body."

[demonbelthazor]

Belthazor gave Beka a questioning look, but kept silent about her cryptic words. "Maybe the past can be forgiven," he said, "but what if I have to kill someone close to her? What if I get told to kill her? Maybe it won't happen, but...it could. But giving him my body would still upset Phoebe. Besides, he's stingy with the courtesy reach-around."

[valentine-tart.livejournal.com]

"Have to? The choice will always be yours Bel. Always." Her tone was sharp, but her expression was sympathetic. "Wait until that day. Trust me. Don't try to decide now because you just can't know."

Inhaling, then tapping the ash off her cigarette, Beka pauses. "It won't be an easy choice. Truth, I love Phoebe and I'd have to try to kill you if you tried to hurt her. But some part of me...would understand why you did it."

Funny. He was quite generous with me. Maybe you make him work too hard for it to begin with. (Phoebe, don't kill me, please! Angelus, you owe me.)

[demonbelthazor]

Belthazor nodded gravely. "I wouldn't expect any less from you. If for some reason I was trying to hurt her...part of me would want you to stop me. It's not that easy to do, though. You can hurt me, but finishing me off takes something special."

I can't help myself. I'm such a tease.

[valentine-tart.livejournal.com]

Beka smirked at that. "I am something special. And if that's not enough, I'd wager a pulse cannon could set you back awhile." She nodded, serious again. "I'd rather disable you than kill you anyhow."

Yes. You. Are.

[demonbelthazor]

"See, now you shouldn't tell me that," Belthazor said. "Now I know you won't be shooting to kill." He flashed a grin at Beka, knowing she actually would if she had to.