fandomhighdorms | 2nd Floor Common Room [Friday Evening]

"No, no, half-British. Like me. The other half is...I don't know, where was that, Russia? Is he Russian? So confused. If we'd taken Guinevere out of the picture, British history'd be a much different place. A much gayer place."

"Oh, I don't know... I think it's plenty gay enough as it is," Vala chipped in, tossing a look over her shoulder at Archie and snickering. "I mean look at Lansalot run...."

Zero slants a look sideways at Archie, still transfixed by a certain knight, then looks back at Vala and bursts into giggles.

"And he's got two swords. I wonder if that means he can use both... hands." Parker grins too.

"Oh, I'm sure he's very...talented."

((...I'll be in my bunk.))

"Sarmatia? Which I guess must be Russia. Don't worry, we're not studying that too, Vala." Parker shook her head and muttered something about, "Bet I could fix that as long as the bed was big enough..." under her breath.

Campus Caravanus, Early the Next Morning

Rich Roman Guy grabs The Girliest Kid Ever and tries to stage a coup with his guards.

DAGONET: NOOOOOO! NOT THE GIRLIEST KID EVER!

GUINEVEIRA [appearing with bow]: Drop. That. Kid.

RICH ROMAN GUY: Weren’t your fingers, like, broken or something fifteen minutes ago?

GUINEVERE: *shoots him*

ROMAN GUARDS: AHHHHH! WE KEEL YOU!

Right on schedule, Arthur and the knights step out of the woods.

ARTHUR: Not unless you want some Dark Ages stabnation, you won’t.

LANCELOT: I have two swords!

ARTHUR: Now get back in the caravan.

ROMAN GUARDS: *shrug*

GUINEVEIRA: Hey, what were you guys doing out in the woods?

LANCELOT: . . .

GAWAIN: . . .

ARTHUR: . . .

GUINEVEIRA: Fine, keep your little orgies to yourselves, be that way.

DAGONET [changing the subject]: Hey, where'd you learn to shoot like that?

GUINEVEIRA: Well, there was this really cute guy who wanted to be a pirate, and . . . look, it's a long story.

Back on the Road

ARTHUR: Hey, I'm sorry about the Woad chick killing your father and all.

ALECTO: Yeah, well, he sucked anyway. Except for the part about everyone being our slaves, he was right about that.

ARTHUR: No he wasn't.

ALECTO: Yuh-huh.

ARTHUR: Nuh-uh.

ALECTO: Yuh -huh.

ARTHUR: Nuh-uh.

ALECTO: Yuh -huh.

ARTHUR: Nuh-uh.

ALECTO: Hey, Rome says so too!

ARTHUR: Look, my mentor and father figure Pelagius back in Rome was all about how men are equal and free.

ALECTO: Dude, they excommunicated that guy and stoned him to death. Didn't you hear?

ARTHUR: OMGWTF.

Lake Badidea

SAXON DRUMS: *THUNDER!*

ARTHUR: Okay. Executive decision. The Saxons are just about up our ass. We have to cross this frozen lake.

TRISTAN: This is a bad idea, dude.

ARTHUR: Look, talk to me when those ghetto bangs of yours come up with a better idea.

TRISTAN: . . .

ARTHUR: . . .

TRISTAN: Everybody across the lake!

FROZEN LAKE: *crrrrrrrrrrack*

ARTHUR: Everyone out of the wagons and spread out!

FROZEN LAKE: *crrrr-rrrrr-ack*

ARTHUR: I SAID SPREAD OUT, DAMMIT! WHY DO I HAVE TO SAY EVERYTHING TWICE?

SAXON DRUMS: *pound ominously*

ARTHUR: Serf Guy, keep those peasants rollin’. We’ll stay here and fight off the Saxons. All seven of us.

GUINEVEIRA [appearing with bow]: Eight! I'll fight with you, even though my fingers were completely broken twenty minutes ago.

"She was totally faking those fingers. Completely and utterly. That skank."

LANCELOT: Wow, you got over that fast.

GUINEVEIRA: Shut up, Lancehot. Hey, could someone get me some sleeves or something?

SERF GUY: The Romans wouldn't let us have sleeves.

GUINEVEIRA: DAMMIT.

The Saxons Approach

CYNRIC: See if they’re within shooting range.

THE SAXONS: *shoot*

THE ARROWS: *fall at the knights’ feet*

CYNRIC: So I guess they’re not, then.

THE KNIGHTS: *pick up their bows and take out a dozen Saxons*

GUINEVEIRA: Damn, yo.

LANCELOT: You know, there’s a lot of lonely men over there.

GUINEVEIRA: Don’t worry. Your ass is mine, candypants.

The Saxons: Still Approaching
ARTHUR: Shoot the flanks! Drive them to the middle!

FROZEN LAKE: *crrrrrrrrrrack*

ARTHUR: SHOOT THEM HARDER!

GAWAIN: We’re shooting, we’re shooting!

FROZEN LAKE: *crrrr-rrrrr-ack*

ARTHUR: Aw, hell, it’s not working!

FROZEN LAKE: *crrrack? *

DAGONET: *runs out and starts chopping the ice*

BORS: DAGONET, NOOOOOO!

DAGONET: *ARROWED!*

BORS: NOOOOOO!

FROZEN LAKE: *CRACK CRACK CRACKCRACKCRACK SPLOOOOSH! *

BORS AND ARTHUR: *race the breaking ice to drag Dagonet back to the shore*

THOUSANDS OF SAXONS: We drown! We freeze!

ARTHUR: Oh my one brave knight!

THE KNIGHTS: *sniffle*

THOUSANDS OF SAXONS: AHHHHHHH! HELP US!

CYNRIC: Oh my one brave ENTIRE ARMY!

BORS: And he only had eight days until retirement!

THE KNIGHTS: WAAAAAA!

"I am starting to remember that not all the hotties make it through this film," Parker pouted.

Zero suddenly remembers which other hotties don't make it through the film and casts an alarmed glance toward Archie ~~who is totally right there.~~

"Please explain to me again why she's not wearing anything?!?! Especially when non of the guys seem to care?

"The least they could do would be to offer her some of that leather," she mutters.

"Well, yes, but then they would be cold. And Wardrobe would have a fit because oh-em-gee not all pretty and fitting and what-the-squall ever."

"They could keep each other warm," Vala snarked. "And since when is three wisps of fabric fitting for fighting battles in the snow?"

"Since when can one guy break a lake?" Parker shrugged. "I would sue, if I were Guineveira."

"Leather, hell, I think she should get to keep the fur. England looks *cold* in the Middle Ages, damnit. What was that about a Little Ice Age? Brrrrrr."

Back at Fortus Romanus

Arthur and the knights successfully bring the rich kid, the peasants, and Dagonet’s dead body back to the fort.

BISHOP GERMANIUS: Alecto! They totally didn’t get you killed! The Pope is going to be so happy!

RICH ROMAN LADY: Hands off the kid, freakshow.

BISHOP GERMANIUS: Arturius! Knights! I can’t believe you actually did it! Freedom papers for everyone! Look, I even kept my word despite previous foreshadowing! Love and light, everybody! Whee!

BORS: TELL THAT TO MY DEAD BROTHER, DIRTY SARDINIAN!

BISHOP GERMANIUS: You faced down a snillion Saxons with eight people and you're pissed that one of your guys got killed?

The Girliest Kid Ever runs and pulls Dagonet's ring off his cold, dead hand, because he loved him like whoa for the five minutes that he knew him.

ASSISTANT PRIEST: Uh, you guys? You need to come out here and see this.

Parapets, Fortus Romanus

A SCRILLION SAXONS: *are camped out on the lawn*

BISHOP GERMANIUS: Screw y’all, we out.

ARTHUR: WHAT?

BISHOP GERMANIUS: See, that’s what I was going to tell you. Rome ain’t so much the hotness anymore, so we’re basically giving up on the hinterlands.

BORS: So we spent FIFTEEN YEARS defending this hellhole for NOTHING?

BISHOP GERMANIUS: Pretty much, yeah.

LANCELOT: Yeah, sucks to be the assorted peasantry, let’s go.

ARTHUR: . . .

LANCELOT: Dude . . . ?

ARTHUR: I love you, man, but I’m staying here.

LANCELOT: OMGWTF!

Lancelot runs after Arthur in a huff. Guineveira runs down the parapet steps after them with the neck of her dress fallen down to her elbow.

JERRY BRUCKHEIMER: CUT, CUT! Wardrobe!

WARDROBE: What?

JERRY BRUCKHEIMER: Glue the dress to her elbow. Just like that. OMG SO SEXY.

LANCELOT: Arthur! What the hell is wrong with you! We’ve been here fifteen years, and then they cheated us out of our papers, and then we finally got them back, and now you want to stay in this stinking foggy hellhole and help a bunch of plebes? ROME IS LEAVING AND SO SHOULD WE.

ARTHUR: Look, man. You take your little lion charm and go back to that little blonde girl in your village who may or may not have lived to grow up and I’ma stay here with the Woad chick and the peasants. They need me.

LANCELOT: I NEED YOU!

ARTHUR: *shrug*

LANCELOT [shouting after him]: I THOUGHT HOYAY! WOULD KEEP US TOGETHER!

"Told you." Parker checks to see if Archie's still awake. Oh, yeah.

Arthur's Room of Impending ~~Sex~~ Doom

GUINEVEIRA: No one knows what may happen tomorrow, so all we have is this moment.

ARTHUR: We have to trust in a beneficent God to--

GUINEVEIRA: Sex please.

ARTHUR: Yes ma'am.

GUINEVEIRA: *pulls up her skirt and pushes Arthur's hand under*

ARTHUR: Baby, I'm Clive Owen. I think I know where it is.

MOTHERS IN THE AUDIENCE: OMG this movie is so not PG-13!

DAUGHTERS IN THE AUDIENCE: SHUT UP, THIS IS THE GOOD PART.

SOMEONE IN THE MUSIC DEPARTMENT: *actually digs up a Celtic porno sax*

HANS ZIMMER: Hey! I had no idea Enya did a cover of "Love to Love You Baby"!

ARTHUR: Hey, I can’t get your dress off.

GUINEVEIRA: Yeah, Bruckheimer glued it to my elbow. Sorry about that.

"My, oh my, oh my... See, I want a king, okay? You ask what I want in a guy, it's that." Parker pauses. "Even if he really does love Lancehot a lot more than Gwen-skank."

"Are you telling me that Arthur and Lanselot split up?"

"S'worse in the legend. Arthur and Lancelot split up and Arthur marries Guinevere, then Lancelot cheats on Arthur with Guinevere, and it's like a thing. And then they all die. Except Lancelot and Guinevere, who become mournful clergy or summat."

"People actually tell this story?!?!??!"

"Yeah, I always thought that part sucked. And they usually blamed it on Arthur's kid with someone else." Parker shook her head. "There should be a Morgan le Fay to carry off Lancelot in this movie, damnit."

"Only if you get to be her?" Vala smirked.

Parker doesn't even take a hot second to think about that. "Hell yes!"

Parker just shakes her head. "Thus proving that Hollywood is still not too gay. Or at least, less gay than Medieval England. Because, oh my god."

Roman Procession of Copping Out

THE ROMANS: *leave*

THE PEASANTS: *leave*

THE KNIGHTS: *leave*

THE AUDIENCE: OMGWTF!

LANCELOT: *looks longingly back at Arthur*

TRISTAN [to hawk]: Go on, you’re free now.

HAWK: Does this mean you’re not going to feed me anymore?

Arthur stands at the top of the hill on horseback in full Roman regalia, even though technically he has renounced the Romans, and watches his knights leave. Bors turns his horse around and starts riding back to Arthur.

BORS: RAAAAAAAAA!

ARTHUR: RAAAAAAAAA!

BORS: *turns back around and rejoins caravan*

LANCELOT: And . . . that was about what, exactly?

"Can I just say that Lance is the only sane person in this movie? I take it back, I want him, not the King. Besides, Arthur dumped him, he needs comfort."

Hillus Woadus

WOADS: *wait warily while war wells*

CERULEAN GUINEVEIRA: Hey, Brigid, touch up my back, wouldja?

Pointless Confrontation, Lawnus Romanus

CERDIC: So who’s this one crazy bastard who stayed behind?

TRAITOR SERF: That Arthur guy.

CERDIC: Figures. Wave the white flag, I want to get a look at him.

ANTOINE FUQUA: Crank that bitch up to eleven!

ARTHUR: *is sort of silhouetted somewhere back there in all the billowing fog*

ANTOINE FUQUA: Okay, now I can’t see him at all. Crank it back down a notch.

ARTHUR: *rides out in a big misty hero shot*

ARTHUR’S HORSE: *is stampative*

ARTHUR: GET OFF MY LAWN, YOU LOUSY SAXONS!

CERDIC: Yeah, whatever. I keep hearing that you’re some god on earth, and guess what? You’re a guy on a horse.

ARTHUR: You cannot possibly conceive of a cause as noble as mine.

CERDIC: And that cause would be . . . ?

ARTHUR: MY FOOT UP YOUR ASS.

CERDIC: BRING. IT. ON.

ARTHUR: Yeah? Well, My Face Will Be The Last Thing Your Broke Saxon Ass Sees Before You Die, SO HELP ME GOD.

Cerdic watches Arthur storm heroically back to the fortus.

CERDIC: Damn. That man’s almost too studly to kill.

"I changed my mind again."

Caravanus Romanus

Lancelot looks at his lion charm.

LANCELOT: And it would mean something, if I had any idea who that girl was or if lions had been used anywhere else in this movie.

DAVID FRANZONI: Should we put something in about the horses being reincarnated Sarmatian warriors and stuff?

ANTOINE FUQUA: Did you use that in Gladiator?

DAVID FRANZONI: I don’t think . . . no, I didn’t.

ANTOINE FUQUA: You sure?

DAVID FRANZONI: Yeah, I’m sure.

ANTOINE FUQUA: I’m trusting you, man.

THE KNIGHTS’ HORSES: *start freaking out*

THE KNIGHTS: Whoa, whoa! Everybody simmer down!

THE HORSES: GET YOUR ASSES BACK THERE!

LANCELOT: What?

THE HORSES: FOR SHAME, BITCHES!

THE KNIGHTS: *hang their heads*

LANCELOT: Who’s got the party armor?

TRISTAN: I do, I do!

GALAHAD: Dude, where’d you get that helmet?

GAWAIN: Jacked it off a samurai, yo.

"Vala, pay no attention to the costuming in this movie. It's just pretty. It's not realistic."

"O.K., because I was going to say: When I said leather instead of gauze, I didn't mean three strips wound creatively around her body...." Vala shakes her head. "And Parker? Just give up and go for both already. Preferably together...."

"I like the way this girl thinks."

"I'll bring the bed. And the booze. And the... ahem. Anyway." Parker smiled at the film dreamily, then snapped out of it. "I knew there was a reason I liked you, Mal Doran."

Re: King Arthur-- the movie! (Thank you, Cleolinda and m15m)

aka-vala.livejournal.com - 2006-01-21 08:28 (UTC) - Expand

"Well, if they're Russian, maybe...no. Still no. You're right, though. Lancelot's been wounded. We should console him."

"Yup. Consolation. And then, when Guineveira dies, because it's the Middle Ages? We can console Arthur. Yay!"

Hillus of Hotness

ARTHUR: Yay! I knew you would all come back!

The knights all line up on the hill so their armor can shine in the sun and their pretty, pretty banners can wave in the breeze.

Lawnus Romanus

CERDIC: Dammit, you said there was only one crazy bastard left, and now there’s, like, six.

TRAITOR SERF: So now you only have nine sprillion nine hundred and ninety-four more men than he does, rather than nine sprillion nine hundred and ninety-nine.

CERDIC: Point taken. Oh, and I saved a tree for you.

TRAITOR SERF: Thanks, man.

Hillus of Hotness

ARTHUR: Home is not some broke-ass village in a land no one in the audience has never heard of! Home is inside each of us, and inside the COMPLETELY PLATONIC LOVE we feel for each other and this godforsaken rock. Now we all fight for a common cause!

LANCELOT: What's our common cause, again?

ARTHUR: Freedom! Britain! And the development of a feudal economy in which no one is actually free!

KNIGHTS: YAY!

TRISTAN: *pulls out his bow and shoots the Traitor Serf in the Traitor Tree from five miles away*

Lawnus Romanus

CERDIC: OH, WHATEVER! YOU DIDN’T EVEN KNOW HE WAS UP THERE!

Hillus of Hotness

THE KNIGHTS: *point and laugh*

"Oh, this is ridiculous. Remind me to give a copy to Professor Carter for Tactics. It's the perfect cliche' of stupidity and Hollywood."

Hillus Woadus

MERLIN: Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Guineveira and the Woadettes!

GUINEVEIRA: HOW Y’ALL FEEL?

WOADS: RAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

GUINEVEIRA: I SAID, HOW! Y’ALL! FEEEEEEL?

WOADS: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

The Woads storm the battlefield. Guineveira and the Woadettes all jump on this one guy and start hacking him to pieces.

MERLIN: ROLL UP THE PARTY-SIZE CATAPULTS! RELEASE THE FLAMING OOZE!

FLAMING OOZE: *GOOOOSH!*

FLAMING SAXONS: AHHHHHHH!!!

ARTHUR: Dude! That’s my backyard! YOU’RE PAYING FOR THE RELANDSCAPING, BITCH!

Battlefield of Foggy Death

CYNRIC: *whales on Guineveira*

GUINEVEIRA: Ow! My thinness! *collapses*

LANCELOT: NOOOO!

Lancelot runs to Guineveira’s aid, only to get nailed in the heart by a crossbolt for his trouble. Slowly.

Somewhere Deep in the Scott Household, The Middle of the Night

RIDLEY SCOTT: Hey, who took my Dramatic Shaky Slo-Mo?

Battlefield of Foggy Death

AUDIENCE: OMGWTF!

GUINEVEIRA [slowly]: NOOO . . . OOO . . . OOO!

ARTHUR [slowly]: NOOO . . . OOO . . . OOO!

LANCELOT [looking down, slowly]: The . . . hell . . .? I THROW MY SWORD AT YOU, BIATCH!

CYNRIC: *dies*

LANCELOT: *thud*

Somewhere Else on the Battlefield of Foggy Death

TRISTAN: I KEEL YOU, CERDIC!

HAWK: Uh, that’s all you, man. *flies away*

ARTHUR: Tristan, NOOOOO! We've clearly established that only I can kill him!

CERDIC: *kills Tristan*

ARTHUR: AHHHHHH! EVERYBODY STOP DYING!

CERDIC: We meet at last.

ARTHUR: Again.

CERDIC: Shut up.

CERDIC: *whales on Arthur*

ARTHUR: *whales on Cerdic*

CERDIC: *whales on Arthur*

ARTHUR: *falls to his knees*

AUDIENCE: Well, damn. If they killed Lancelot, I guess anyone could die now.

LANCELOT FANGIRLS: He—he’s not dead! He’s just sleeping!

CERDIC: I KEEL YOU!

ARTHUR: Oh. No. Please don’t. Come any. Closer. Mr. Saxon.

CERDIC: I KEEL YOU CLOSER!

ARTHUR: *stabs backwards*

CERDIC: *thud*

ARTHUR: *hauls Cerdic up by the hair* Look at me! LOOK AT ME!

CERDIC: Damn, son, LET IT GO.

ARTHUR: LOOK UPON MY FACE AND KNOW THAT WE HAVE UTTERLY KICKED THE ASSES OF YOUR PEOPLE.

CERDIC: Shpfff, that’s what you think.

ARTHUR: AND THEN THERE WILL BE THE NORMAN CONQUEST.

CERDIC: GAHHHH! ACK! *dies*

Battlefield of Studly Death

Arthur and Guineveira split the Cradling the Dying Hero duties. The surviving knights gather round.

ARTHUR [weeping]: My brave knights, I have failed you! If only I had taught you the rules of movie death sooner! GOD! I SAID KILL ME! WHY, GOD, WHY???

GUINEVEIRA: Go in peace, Lancelot. We'll always have that one time you were stalking me.

"That's not how it happened. Nope. They all lived happily ever after, damnit!" Parker told the TV screen.

"All right, this is even more confusing than the baby Jesus story," Vala announced. "But at least it's got hot guys in it," she allowed. "Stupid, but hot."

Re: King Arthur-- the movie! (Thank you, Cleolinda and m15m)

mparkerceo.livejournal.com - 2006-01-21 20:52 (UTC) - Expand

Re: King Arthur-- the movie! (Thank you, Cleolinda and m15m)

swerval_zero - 2006-01-22 00:10 (UTC) - Expand