Anakin Skywalker's Excruciatingly Thorough Guide to Sex Ed [Monday evening, after kiddies have gone]

[sith_happened]

As Anakin had mentioned in the handwavy email he had sent to students' email accounts, sometimes unplanned children couldn't be blamed on a portal or Fandom weirdness.

So he was in the front of his classroom with a series of beyond thorough pamphlets on contraception, abstinence, and pictures of STDs. Artoo had been given free rein to find as many horrifying educational videos on the subject. He was rocking back and forth in giddy anticipation of scarring educating the local population.

Anakin had slapped on a sign on the door welcoming people to the seminar:

I AM TOO HOT TO BE A GREAT-GRANDFATHER

And other reasons why children should remain hypothetical for a long, LONG time

(Skywalker presence mandatory)

This should go well. Really. 

Comments

Come in and mingle!

[sith_happened]

There are only so many seats at the back of the class, after all. You'd hate to be in the front for this.

Be horrified at the content!

[sith_happened]

Anakin has done his homework. He's covering contraception from more than a dozen different universes and most of the planets he's been to, complete with horrifying stories about when things have gone wrong.

What a great guy.

Ask detailed questions!

[sith_happened]

Add to the horror!

OOC

[sith_happened]

I'm just here for the crack. The seminar is open to all!

Re: Come in and mingle!

[tatooine-doofus.livejournal.com]

Luke was here, blushing to his hairline and hating everything. He found a seat as close to the door as possible and was trying to avoid eye contact.

Re: Come in and mingle!

[missed-the-gate.livejournal.com]

Going to the seminar was like ripping off a band-aid. Had John pretended he didn't get the email like he really wanted to, it just would've hurt worse later.

Re: Be horrified at the content!

[tatooine-doofus.livejournal.com]

Luke hadn't blinked for the last, oh, ten minutes or so.

If that was physically impossible, well, then it felt like it had been that long.

Regretting asking already, he raised his hand. "So, what happened to that Rodian who slept with the Twi'lek dancing girl?"

Re: Be horrified at the content!

[sith_happened]

"They both died of sexually transmitted diseases," Anakin said, nodding.

Re: Ask detailed questions!

[missed-the-gate.livejournal.com]

"I'm confused, which of these methods of contraception are you promoting?" John tilted his head to the side. There were too many to choose from.

Re: Ask detailed questions!

[sith_happened]

"For you, all of them," Anakin decided. "I'd also recommend becoming a eunuch, just in case. Lightsabers can be used for that if you hold very, very still."

So helpful, that Anakin.

Re: Be horrified at the content!

[missed-the-gate.livejournal.com]

John was more than a little scared by the outcome of Anakin's tales. "Why does it seem like everyone dies at the end of these stories?"

Re: Come in and mingle!

[sith_happened]

"I can make your head explode using the power of my mind," Anakin said conversationally.

Re: Be horrified at the content!

[tatooine-doofus.livejournal.com]

Of course they had.

"Do you have any, um, non-fatal stories about sex?" Luke asked.

Re: Ask detailed questions!

[missed-the-gate.livejournal.com]

John took it as a positive sign that Anakin wasn't reaching for his lightsaber or promoting abstinence. "So, do you have free samples for us?"

Re: Come in and mingle!

[missed-the-gate.livejournal.com]

"I don't doubt that at all," John replied, trying not to gulp too audibly.

Re: Ask detailed questions!

[sith_happened]

Artoo let out a happy little tweedle and dragged out a giant bag of contraceptives.

Some of them weren't even meant for humans. Anakin waved his hand at the bag. "If you can't figure out how they work, you shouldn't be having sex," he declared.

Some of the devices even had multiple spinning parts. Don't ask.

Re: Be horrified at the content!

[sith_happened]

"No," Anakin replied.

Re: Be horrified at the content!

[sith_happened]

"Because when stupid beings have sex with other stupid beings, they end up dead," Anakin said.

Re: Come in and mingle!

[vkandis-son.livejournal.com]

Karal hadn't actually gotten the email (he avoided computers at the best of times) but he thought he might have left a notebook in Anakin's classroom, and since he was leaving tomorrow, he thought he'd best retrieve it.

Now he was just standing and staring in mingled horror and amazement.

Re: Be horrified at the content!

[vkandis-son.livejournal.com]

Karal was red to the ears and his mouth was hanging open. "I don't--" He stopped and started again. "Why would you--" Actually, he didn't want to know the answer to that one. Ever.

"You know, Sun-priests often swear a vow of celibacy," he finally managed to get out, in an absent tone that owed a great deal to shock.

Re: Come in and mingle!

[missed-the-gate.livejournal.com]

"Karal, thank god!" John said, possibly trying to hide slightly behind Karal so as to not catch Anakin's attention again. "You get threatened via email, too?"

Re: Ask detailed questions!

[missed-the-gate.livejournal.com]

Looking through the bag, John didn't want to know what the spinny thing was for. Yet, if asked, he had a complicated-sounding explanation ready.

He worried about what Anakin was going to make them do before he let them leave.

Re: Come in and mingle!

[sith_happened]

Threatening people always cheered Anakin up. He gave John a tight smile before directing his attention onto other people.

Re: Be horrified at the content!

[tatooine-doofus.livejournal.com]

"It's beginning to seem like a really, really excellent idea," Luke said, eyes wide.

Re: Come in and mingle!

[vkandis-son.livejournal.com]

He blinked. "There was an email?" he asked, staring at John. When he glanced at Anakin, he put it together with Jaina and a weekend of children, and stepped a little more in front of John. "I'm not sure you can hide from a Jedi."