fandomhighdorms | 2nd Floor Common Room [Friday Evening]

Parker raises an eyebrow right back, and remembers what Jack said about Archie's kissing.

Zero joins the little trio of raised eyebrows. Previously unexplored layers to Mr. Kennedy, it seems.

Forest of Mystical Mist

ANTOINE FUQUA: Crank that fog machine on up, boys!

AUDIENCE: Heh heh. She said “Fuqua.”

FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD SPIDER-WOADS: *shoot vines all across the forest so no one can go that way*

ARTHUR AND KNIGHTS: *ride around in a panic*

FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD SPIDER-WOADS: *shoot vines all across the forest so no one can go that way*

ARTHUR AND KNIGHTS: *ride around in a panic*

FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD SPIDER-WOADS: *shoot vines all across the forest so no one can move at all*

ARTHUR: Hi, can we help you or something?

WOADS: WE KEEL YOU!

SOME MYSTICAL GUY IN THE WOODS: *blows mystical horn*

WOADS: . . .

SOME MYSTICAL GUY IN THE WOODS: *stares*

WOADS: . . .

ARTHUR: Uh, guys . . . ?

WOADS: *leave*

LANCELOT: . . . the hell was that all about?

"And again with the utterly random. I could write a better screenplay than this."

Woading Woadton in the Woods

SOME ELDER WOAD: Why'd you stop them from killing Arthur? They had all the knights right there!

MERLIN: I just got this knife that says that a metric assload of Saxons are coming. We're gonna need those guys.

SOME ELDER WOAD: So . . . basically . . . that whole Spider-Woad thing was totally pointless.

MERLIN: That's about the way of it, yeah.

Villa Romana

RICH ROMAN GUY: Thank God you're here!

ARTHUR: Pack your asses up, we gots to jet.

RICH ROMAN GUY: But all our stuff is here--!

ARTHUR: Saxons: coming. You: leaving. Chop chop!

TWO SCRAGGLY MONKS: *are bricking up a wall*

ARTHUR: HEY! What the hell are you doing?

TWO SCRAGGLY MONKS: Nothing! Nothing!

ARTHUR: Dagonet!

DAGONET: *busts a stone wall down hardcore with, like, an axe*

ARTHUR: Hey, there’s a door under there.

TWO SCRAGGLY MONKS: It’s locked.

ARTHUR: Well, UNLOCK IT THEN.

TWO SCRAGGLY MONKS: From the inside.

ARTHUR: All right, now I’m really calling shenanigans. Dagonet!

DAGONET: *chops the door down like whoa*

"Wait, were they even Christian yet?"

Subterranean Torture Chamber

ARTHUR: Oh my God, I thought the Spanish Inquisition wasn’t gonna be for another thousand years.

FREAKY MONK: Nobody ever expects the Spanish Inquisition!
© 2004 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
LANCELOT: *kills Freaky Monk* NO PYTHON QUOTES!

ARTHUR: Check for survivors! And YOU! What the hell is wrong with you?

CRAZY MONK: We had to save their pagan souls!

ARTHUR: By torturing and killing them?

LANCELOT: I TOLD YOU YOUR GOD SUCKS!

DAGONET: Hey, I just found the girliest kid ever over here!

THE GIRLIEST KID EVER: *luffs Dagonet*

TRISTAN: We got another one over here!

ARTHUR: Oh my God! Look how thin she is! They’ve been starving her to death!

GUINEVEIRA [rasping]: No, just . . . small-boned . . .

ARTHUR: *lifts Guineveira into his arms*

GUINEVEIRA: *swoons*

ARTHUR: We need water!

GUINEVEIRA: Hey baby, did you catch that swoon? I can do it again.

"Not that I blame her, but, oh my god. Way to impress a guy."

"'The Romans wouldn't let us have sleeves!'"

((Could not resist.))

"Yeah, shouldn't she be freezing? And what's with the bricking people into holes in the ground? If they had something built like that, why are they living in a little hut that looks like it's going to blow right over?

"And shooting vines?" Who wrote this story???"

"No idea. I think they saw Tarzan too many times. Or maybe Braveheart. And Dr. Pierson would *kill* me if we showed you that."

ARTHUR: GAHHHH. *cuts Some Guy down* You’re all free! Free—

SAXON DRUMS: *thunder ominously*

ARTHUR: —to get the shit out of here. Damn, they’re close.

SERF GUY: Let me serve you! I want to fight!

ARTHUR: Shpfff. I’m not letting you have sharp things, either. You wanna serve? Pack everybody up, we’re movin’ out.

LANCELOT: ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

TRISTAN: Dude, I don’t think we can make it with all of them.

ARTHUR: Tough shit. Move ‘em on out!

Flaming Villa Romana, Later That Day

CERDIC: How do you feel about betraying your people?

TRAITOR SERF: In that I’m not getting gutted and raped and burninated too? Pretty good, actually.

CERDIC: Touché. But you’re not betraying them enough, because they all escaped. Where’d they go?

TRAITOR SERF: Probably up the mountains to the lake . . . .? Oh, and I heard some Arthur guy is with them. Total badass, never lost a battle, walks on water, etc.

CERDIC: Hmph.

Scenes from a Traveling Caravan

GUINEVEIRA [clinging]: They tortured me . . . ! With machines . . . ! And then you came . . . ! And saved me . . . !

ARTHUR: Sure, whatever. Hey, lady, you got any athelas?

RICH ROMAN LADY: The hell . . . ?

ARTHUR: Do I have to do everything around here? Look, babe--they severely fucked up your fingers back there, and you're totally going to need them in about fifteen minutes, so I'm going to have to reset them or relocate them or something, okay?

GUINEVEIRA: . . .

GUINEVEIRA'S FINGER: *crrrrrack*

GUINEVEIRA: !!!!!

GUINEVEIRA'S OTHER FINGER: *crrrrrunch*

GUINEVEIRA: !@#$@#!#$!@!

ARTHUR: You okay?

GUINEVEIRA [weakly]: I'm Guinevere. You're Arthur. *passes out*

ARTHUR: Thanks for clearing that up, babe.

"Wuss." Parker's had broken fingers before. Okay, she wasnt starving at the time, but she didn't pass out.

* * *

GUINEVEIRA: Hey, baby! Hey baby, you so fine, baby!

ARTHUR: *keeps riding*

GUINEVEIRA: I've heard lots of stories about you, about how you're a big strong killative man.

ARTHUR: *keeps riding*

GUINEVEIRA: Hey, can I borrow a cup of sex?

ARTHUR: *rides away*

GUINEVEIRA: DAMMIT.

Parker can't stop laughing at how Arthur is blowing off Gueineveira.

"What is he doing to her hand?" Vala screws up her face in disgust. "Does he think that's really going to help?

"Oh, and Arthur and Lansalots?" *nods* "Give it up, girlfriend."

"Does anyone else get the impression Arthur's more interested in Lancelot than Guinevere, or is that a byproduct of watching this the first time with Twitch?"

"Oh, hell yes. I mean, Gueneveira's a stick, and a twit, and a twerp. Lance is... humina humina humina." Parker sighed. "Ahem. And I have no idea about medieval first aid. That looks stupid to me. And also? No painkillers. Maybe he just wants her to stop hitting on him."

Lancelot stumbles across the Roman lady bathing Guinevere in the wagon. In the snow. With the one transparent piece of fabric in the whole caravan draped across as a screen.

GUINEVEIRA: Hey, Sir Sexalot! Join in or buzz off!

LANCELOT: *runs away*

GUINEVEIRA: WILL NO ONE HELP OUT A HORNY WOAD?

"Thus proving that Lance wants Arthur, too." Parker sighed. "Okay, so, if we could just get them away from Guineveira, and... Ahem. Right. British history. Watching movie. Right."

Forest of Mystical Mistiness

GUINEVEIRA puts on a cloak of harlot scarlet red and wanders into the woods, her eyes beckoning to Arthur. He follows her into the mists.

ARTHUR: Hey baby, you clean up pretty good.

MERLIN [stepping out of mist]: Hi.

ARTHUR: OMGWTF you betrayed me!

GUINEVEIRA: Look, I just went out for a walk. You're the one stalking my ass, pal.

MERLIN: So about these Saxons—

ARTHUR: Look, Papa Smurf, I’m a Roman and Romans hate Woads.

MERLIN: But the Saxons—

ARTHUR: WOADS KILLED MY MOTHER!

MERLIN: Oh, come on, now you’re just pulling things out of your ass.

ARTHUR: YOU KILLED HER!

MERLIN: Oh, yeah . . . yeah, I kinda did.

Flaming Flashback

Merlin’s Woads are burninating—yea, verily, even the thatched-roof cottages —and Arthur’s mother is shrieking. Arthur, who looks about eight years old going on five, runs to his father’s grave and heaves the sword sticking out of the burial mound amid great flashes of fire and importance.

ANTOINE FUQUA: *steals Ridley Scott’s Dramatic Shaky Slo-Mo right out from under him*

Young Arthur is too late to save his mother and the whole place goes up in flames.

YOUNG ARTHUR: NOOOOOOO!!!

Forest of Mystical Mistiness

ARTHUR: . . . And the lambs NEVER STOPPED SCREAMING!

MERLIN: Arthur, your mother was a Briton like us. I mean, it kind of sucks that we killed her, too, but you see what I'm saying. You're one of us.

ARTHUR: Fuck you.

MERLIN: See? Right down to the Middle English swearwords. Your British mother's love saved you from Voldemort freed the sword! Not your father's hate!

ARTHUR: Really? Huh.

GUINEVEIRA: Wow, you got over that fast.

"Someone make that make sense. Aside from Arthur being British, or something."

"No, no, half-British. Like me. The other half is...I don't know, where was that, Russia? Is he Russian? So confused. If we'd taken Guinevere out of the picture, British history'd be a much different place. A much gayer place."

"Oh, I don't know... I think it's plenty gay enough as it is," Vala chipped in, tossing a look over her shoulder at Archie and snickering. "I mean look at Lansalot run...."

Zero slants a look sideways at Archie, still transfixed by a certain knight, then looks back at Vala and bursts into giggles.

"And he's got two swords. I wonder if that means he can use both... hands." Parker grins too.

"Oh, I'm sure he's very...talented."

((...I'll be in my bunk.))

"Sarmatia? Which I guess must be Russia. Don't worry, we're not studying that too, Vala." Parker shook her head and muttered something about, "Bet I could fix that as long as the bed was big enough..." under her breath.

Campus Caravanus, Early the Next Morning

Rich Roman Guy grabs The Girliest Kid Ever and tries to stage a coup with his guards.

DAGONET: NOOOOOO! NOT THE GIRLIEST KID EVER!

GUINEVEIRA [appearing with bow]: Drop. That. Kid.

RICH ROMAN GUY: Weren’t your fingers, like, broken or something fifteen minutes ago?

GUINEVERE: *shoots him*

ROMAN GUARDS: AHHHHH! WE KEEL YOU!

Right on schedule, Arthur and the knights step out of the woods.

ARTHUR: Not unless you want some Dark Ages stabnation, you won’t.

LANCELOT: I have two swords!

ARTHUR: Now get back in the caravan.

ROMAN GUARDS: *shrug*

GUINEVEIRA: Hey, what were you guys doing out in the woods?

LANCELOT: . . .

GAWAIN: . . .

ARTHUR: . . .

GUINEVEIRA: Fine, keep your little orgies to yourselves, be that way.

DAGONET [changing the subject]: Hey, where'd you learn to shoot like that?

GUINEVEIRA: Well, there was this really cute guy who wanted to be a pirate, and . . . look, it's a long story.

Back on the Road

ARTHUR: Hey, I'm sorry about the Woad chick killing your father and all.

ALECTO: Yeah, well, he sucked anyway. Except for the part about everyone being our slaves, he was right about that.

ARTHUR: No he wasn't.

ALECTO: Yuh-huh.

ARTHUR: Nuh-uh.

ALECTO: Yuh -huh.

ARTHUR: Nuh-uh.

ALECTO: Yuh -huh.

ARTHUR: Nuh-uh.

ALECTO: Hey, Rome says so too!

ARTHUR: Look, my mentor and father figure Pelagius back in Rome was all about how men are equal and free.

ALECTO: Dude, they excommunicated that guy and stoned him to death. Didn't you hear?

ARTHUR: OMGWTF.

Lake Badidea

SAXON DRUMS: *THUNDER!*

ARTHUR: Okay. Executive decision. The Saxons are just about up our ass. We have to cross this frozen lake.

TRISTAN: This is a bad idea, dude.

ARTHUR: Look, talk to me when those ghetto bangs of yours come up with a better idea.

TRISTAN: . . .

ARTHUR: . . .

TRISTAN: Everybody across the lake!

FROZEN LAKE: *crrrrrrrrrrack*

ARTHUR: Everyone out of the wagons and spread out!

FROZEN LAKE: *crrrr-rrrrr-ack*

ARTHUR: I SAID SPREAD OUT, DAMMIT! WHY DO I HAVE TO SAY EVERYTHING TWICE?

SAXON DRUMS: *pound ominously*

ARTHUR: Serf Guy, keep those peasants rollin’. We’ll stay here and fight off the Saxons. All seven of us.

GUINEVEIRA [appearing with bow]: Eight! I'll fight with you, even though my fingers were completely broken twenty minutes ago.

"She was totally faking those fingers. Completely and utterly. That skank."

LANCELOT: Wow, you got over that fast.

GUINEVEIRA: Shut up, Lancehot. Hey, could someone get me some sleeves or something?

SERF GUY: The Romans wouldn't let us have sleeves.

GUINEVEIRA: DAMMIT.

The Saxons Approach

CYNRIC: See if they’re within shooting range.

THE SAXONS: *shoot*

THE ARROWS: *fall at the knights’ feet*

CYNRIC: So I guess they’re not, then.

THE KNIGHTS: *pick up their bows and take out a dozen Saxons*

GUINEVEIRA: Damn, yo.

LANCELOT: You know, there’s a lot of lonely men over there.

GUINEVEIRA: Don’t worry. Your ass is mine, candypants.

The Saxons: Still Approaching
ARTHUR: Shoot the flanks! Drive them to the middle!

FROZEN LAKE: *crrrrrrrrrrack*

ARTHUR: SHOOT THEM HARDER!

GAWAIN: We’re shooting, we’re shooting!

FROZEN LAKE: *crrrr-rrrrr-ack*

ARTHUR: Aw, hell, it’s not working!

FROZEN LAKE: *crrrack? *

DAGONET: *runs out and starts chopping the ice*

BORS: DAGONET, NOOOOOO!

DAGONET: *ARROWED!*

BORS: NOOOOOO!

FROZEN LAKE: *CRACK CRACK CRACKCRACKCRACK SPLOOOOSH! *

BORS AND ARTHUR: *race the breaking ice to drag Dagonet back to the shore*

THOUSANDS OF SAXONS: We drown! We freeze!

ARTHUR: Oh my one brave knight!

THE KNIGHTS: *sniffle*

THOUSANDS OF SAXONS: AHHHHHHH! HELP US!

CYNRIC: Oh my one brave ENTIRE ARMY!

BORS: And he only had eight days until retirement!

THE KNIGHTS: WAAAAAA!

"I am starting to remember that not all the hotties make it through this film," Parker pouted.

Zero suddenly remembers which other hotties don't make it through the film and casts an alarmed glance toward Archie ~~who is totally right there.~~

"Please explain to me again why she's not wearing anything?!?! Especially when non of the guys seem to care?

"The least they could do would be to offer her some of that leather," she mutters.

"Well, yes, but then they would be cold. And Wardrobe would have a fit because oh-em-gee not all pretty and fitting and what-the-squall ever."

"They could keep each other warm," Vala snarked. "And since when is three wisps of fabric fitting for fighting battles in the snow?"

"Since when can one guy break a lake?" Parker shrugged. "I would sue, if I were Guineveira."

"Leather, hell, I think she should get to keep the fur. England looks *cold* in the Middle Ages, damnit. What was that about a Little Ice Age? Brrrrrr."

Back at Fortus Romanus

Arthur and the knights successfully bring the rich kid, the peasants, and Dagonet’s dead body back to the fort.

BISHOP GERMANIUS: Alecto! They totally didn’t get you killed! The Pope is going to be so happy!

RICH ROMAN LADY: Hands off the kid, freakshow.

BISHOP GERMANIUS: Arturius! Knights! I can’t believe you actually did it! Freedom papers for everyone! Look, I even kept my word despite previous foreshadowing! Love and light, everybody! Whee!

BORS: TELL THAT TO MY DEAD BROTHER, DIRTY SARDINIAN!

BISHOP GERMANIUS: You faced down a snillion Saxons with eight people and you're pissed that one of your guys got killed?

The Girliest Kid Ever runs and pulls Dagonet's ring off his cold, dead hand, because he loved him like whoa for the five minutes that he knew him.

ASSISTANT PRIEST: Uh, you guys? You need to come out here and see this.

Parapets, Fortus Romanus

A SCRILLION SAXONS: *are camped out on the lawn*

BISHOP GERMANIUS: Screw y’all, we out.

ARTHUR: WHAT?

BISHOP GERMANIUS: See, that’s what I was going to tell you. Rome ain’t so much the hotness anymore, so we’re basically giving up on the hinterlands.

BORS: So we spent FIFTEEN YEARS defending this hellhole for NOTHING?

BISHOP GERMANIUS: Pretty much, yeah.

LANCELOT: Yeah, sucks to be the assorted peasantry, let’s go.

ARTHUR: . . .

LANCELOT: Dude . . . ?

ARTHUR: I love you, man, but I’m staying here.

LANCELOT: OMGWTF!

Lancelot runs after Arthur in a huff. Guineveira runs down the parapet steps after them with the neck of her dress fallen down to her elbow.

JERRY BRUCKHEIMER: CUT, CUT! Wardrobe!

WARDROBE: What?

JERRY BRUCKHEIMER: Glue the dress to her elbow. Just like that. OMG SO SEXY.

LANCELOT: Arthur! What the hell is wrong with you! We’ve been here fifteen years, and then they cheated us out of our papers, and then we finally got them back, and now you want to stay in this stinking foggy hellhole and help a bunch of plebes? ROME IS LEAVING AND SO SHOULD WE.

ARTHUR: Look, man. You take your little lion charm and go back to that little blonde girl in your village who may or may not have lived to grow up and I’ma stay here with the Woad chick and the peasants. They need me.

LANCELOT: I NEED YOU!

ARTHUR: *shrug*

LANCELOT [shouting after him]: I THOUGHT HOYAY! WOULD KEEP US TOGETHER!

"Told you." Parker checks to see if Archie's still awake. Oh, yeah.

Arthur's Room of Impending ~~Sex~~ Doom

GUINEVEIRA: No one knows what may happen tomorrow, so all we have is this moment.

ARTHUR: We have to trust in a beneficent God to--

GUINEVEIRA: Sex please.

ARTHUR: Yes ma'am.

GUINEVEIRA: *pulls up her skirt and pushes Arthur's hand under*

ARTHUR: Baby, I'm Clive Owen. I think I know where it is.

MOTHERS IN THE AUDIENCE: OMG this movie is so not PG-13!

DAUGHTERS IN THE AUDIENCE: SHUT UP, THIS IS THE GOOD PART.

SOMEONE IN THE MUSIC DEPARTMENT: *actually digs up a Celtic porno sax*

HANS ZIMMER: Hey! I had no idea Enya did a cover of "Love to Love You Baby"!

ARTHUR: Hey, I can’t get your dress off.

GUINEVEIRA: Yeah, Bruckheimer glued it to my elbow. Sorry about that.

"My, oh my, oh my... See, I want a king, okay? You ask what I want in a guy, it's that." Parker pauses. "Even if he really does love Lancehot a lot more than Gwen-skank."

"Are you telling me that Arthur and Lanselot split up?"

"S'worse in the legend. Arthur and Lancelot split up and Arthur marries Guinevere, then Lancelot cheats on Arthur with Guinevere, and it's like a thing. And then they all die. Except Lancelot and Guinevere, who become mournful clergy or summat."

"People actually tell this story?!?!??!"

Re: King Arthur-- the movie! (Thank you, Cleolinda and m15m)

mparkerceo.livejournal.com - 2006-01-21 07:57 (UTC) - Expand

Re: King Arthur-- the movie! (Thank you, Cleolinda and m15m)

aka-vala.livejournal.com - 2006-01-21 08:30 (UTC) - Expand

Re: King Arthur-- the movie! (Thank you, Cleolinda and m15m)

mparkerceo.livejournal.com - 2006-01-21 09:58 (UTC) - Expand

Parker just shakes her head. "Thus proving that Hollywood is still not too gay. Or at least, less gay than Medieval England. Because, oh my god."

Roman Procession of Copping Out

THE ROMANS: *leave*

THE PEASANTS: *leave*

THE KNIGHTS: *leave*

THE AUDIENCE: OMGWTF!

LANCELOT: *looks longingly back at Arthur*

TRISTAN [to hawk]: Go on, you’re free now.

HAWK: Does this mean you’re not going to feed me anymore?

Arthur stands at the top of the hill on horseback in full Roman regalia, even though technically he has renounced the Romans, and watches his knights leave. Bors turns his horse around and starts riding back to Arthur.

BORS: RAAAAAAAAA!

ARTHUR: RAAAAAAAAA!

BORS: *turns back around and rejoins caravan*

LANCELOT: And . . . that was about what, exactly?

"Can I just say that Lance is the only sane person in this movie? I take it back, I want him, not the King. Besides, Arthur dumped him, he needs comfort."

Hillus Woadus

WOADS: *wait warily while war wells*

CERULEAN GUINEVEIRA: Hey, Brigid, touch up my back, wouldja?

Pointless Confrontation, Lawnus Romanus

CERDIC: So who’s this one crazy bastard who stayed behind?

TRAITOR SERF: That Arthur guy.

CERDIC: Figures. Wave the white flag, I want to get a look at him.

ANTOINE FUQUA: Crank that bitch up to eleven!

ARTHUR: *is sort of silhouetted somewhere back there in all the billowing fog*

ANTOINE FUQUA: Okay, now I can’t see him at all. Crank it back down a notch.

ARTHUR: *rides out in a big misty hero shot*

ARTHUR’S HORSE: *is stampative*

ARTHUR: GET OFF MY LAWN, YOU LOUSY SAXONS!

CERDIC: Yeah, whatever. I keep hearing that you’re some god on earth, and guess what? You’re a guy on a horse.

ARTHUR: You cannot possibly conceive of a cause as noble as mine.

CERDIC: And that cause would be . . . ?

ARTHUR: MY FOOT UP YOUR ASS.

CERDIC: BRING. IT. ON.

ARTHUR: Yeah? Well, My Face Will Be The Last Thing Your Broke Saxon Ass Sees Before You Die, SO HELP ME GOD.

Cerdic watches Arthur storm heroically back to the fortus.

CERDIC: Damn. That man’s almost too studly to kill.

"I changed my mind again."

Caravanus Romanus

Lancelot looks at his lion charm.

LANCELOT: And it would mean something, if I had any idea who that girl was or if lions had been used anywhere else in this movie.

DAVID FRANZONI: Should we put something in about the horses being reincarnated Sarmatian warriors and stuff?

ANTOINE FUQUA: Did you use that in Gladiator?

DAVID FRANZONI: I don’t think . . . no, I didn’t.

ANTOINE FUQUA: You sure?

DAVID FRANZONI: Yeah, I’m sure.

ANTOINE FUQUA: I’m trusting you, man.

THE KNIGHTS’ HORSES: *start freaking out*

THE KNIGHTS: Whoa, whoa! Everybody simmer down!

THE HORSES: GET YOUR ASSES BACK THERE!

LANCELOT: What?

THE HORSES: FOR SHAME, BITCHES!

THE KNIGHTS: *hang their heads*

LANCELOT: Who’s got the party armor?

TRISTAN: I do, I do!

GALAHAD: Dude, where’d you get that helmet?

GAWAIN: Jacked it off a samurai, yo.

"Vala, pay no attention to the costuming in this movie. It's just pretty. It's not realistic."