fandomhighdorms | Third Floor Common Room

"I have not, not yet," Raven said. "But I intend to." She also wanted to see if it could contain her if her rage grew too much too control

"Someone I know used it, said it worked for him. I could use a quiet space for myself again, though." Dinah quirked a smile at Raven. "Karla got me a safety net, though." She held up the wrist with her new bracelet. "See? Blocks my touch-telepathy, so I don't have to worry in crowds like this. I still have to practice shielding, but it's my insurance."

"I enjoy meditating on the roof or in the preserve," Raven said. "But it is good to have a close place to escape to if I find I am becoming overwhelmed again. I can protect others more easily that way."

She tilted her head and examined the bracelet. "That was very thoughtful of Karla," she said. "And indeed a useful gift."

Dinah nodded, and frowned at that 'again', but didn't push, wondering what had happened, though. "And yeah, it was really cool of her. I don't want to have to be completely concentrating on my shields every minute, you know?" Some minutes more than others. "I don't need to know what everyone I brush by is thinking." She shook her head. "You could look for something like that too, maybe?"

"It could be helpful, yes," Raven said. "I have been better at shielding out strong emotions so they do not affect me, but if I can relax those and focus more effort toward suppressing my own emotions, it could make things easier for me."

Dinah frowned. "I thought you were going to take it slow? And experiment a little with feeling stuff?"

"That has proven to not be wise," Raven said. "I do not seem to be able to take things slowly."

Dinah studied her and said carefully, "Can I help? And how can you be sure? There's a lot of things to feel out there, Raven. More good than bad."

Raven shook her head. "My feelings have been proven too strong for me. I have done things that I regret, and I cannot risk repeating those mistakes."

Dinah hesitated, then took off her bracelet, so Raven could feel that she was telling the truth. "I think you're pretty strong. You ran away from home to be yourself. I know how hard that is." Total truth there. "You faced down the Justice League. And started over when they rejected you. I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit." Her voice softened. "Whatever happened, maybe it's harder 'cause you didn't start learning emotions when you were little. But two year olds learn. Three year olds learn. You can too." She sighed. "Just... putting that out there."

"My learning process is too dangerous to those around me," Raven said. "And to myself. I have done harm to myself and others. I cannot risk that. I could not live with myself."

Dinah so, so, so got that. "I'm not... gonna push you on this. But I do get that. I swear." She bit her lip. "I hurt my sister with my abilities, because I was so angry. Not even with her, but with someone else, and she was in my way. For a while, I felt like I didn't deserve them, if I could hurt someone I loved with them." She was quiet, and finally said, "It gets better. It's your decision. I just hate thinking of what you'd miss."

"I attacked Professor Skywalker in the other Fandom," Raven admitted quietly. Since Dinah had shared what she had done, she decided to be honest as well. "And I attacked another when I confused him with the vampire who imprisoned me. And I allowed myself to be seduced and used. I cannot allow any of these to happen again."

Wow. Dinah blinked, surprised. "You really had a sucky week or two there, didn't you?" Then shook her head. "I get that your gifts are powerful, and risky. Like, a lot." Trigon, eater of worlds, hi. Gahh. "You could make the same mistakes almost, though, with pure logic. Just from thinking someone is a threat, and trying to protect yourself." She was quiet, and then said slowly, "And. Um." Oh, this was hard to say. Even when she believed it, it was a scary thing. "Getting hurt? Or seduced? Is not your fault. Sometimes, junk happens to us we can't control. Even by not-feeling."

She sighed, and reached into her pocket for the bracelet again, but didn't put it on yet. "Just. Think about it? Okay? I feel like I'm telling someone not to cut open her veins because she bled on someone else."

"If it was only myself getting hurt, that would be different," Raven said, ducking her head and trying not to let the sorrow turn to tears. "I can live with trusting Chuck and falling prey to him, even though it hurts. But there is so much rage in me now, and if I lose control of it, the results could be terrible."

"Chuck?" Dinah facepalmed. Oh, Raven. Then again, hadn't she liked him, when she first got here? And then slowly realized, because he talked too much when stoned, that he wasn't someone you could trust? Put that aside, not important.

"I don't know what to say. Maybe you're right. You're not like the rest of us. Maybe rage is easier." Dinah's voice dropped. "But I wish I could give you some joy, or some comfort, that would calm it down. Something. Hope. I don't know."

Raven wrapped her arms around herself, hugging herself tightly. "I was still suffering from the awfulness of the other Fandom, and he said he wished me to feel something pleasant to counter it. I wanted that so much, but in the end it was only his own gratification he sought. He felt guilt, I know this, but...the damage has been done. I gave him something I should never have. It will not happen again. It must not. I want it so much, but I cannot. Azar was right."

Dinah could just smack Chuck, she really really could. Instead, she put her arms around Raven, and projected as loud as she could, comfort/affection/respect/support/belief/hope and if Emma was in the room, she was just gonna have to deal.

"You are not damaged. You are not stupid. You are not wrong. His loss. He could have had something even more special with you, but he's too... him, to even want it. Maybe he didn't mean to hurt you, but he never thinks." Dinah sighed, closing her eyes. "Raven, that was normal to want to hurt him back. Especially if you were already hurting." Oh, so strange, to hear Tony's words coming out of her own mouth. "There is a guy somewhere who can appreciate what you are, and who you are. You're too awesome for it not to happen. Don't let this change who you think you are. Please."

Raven clung to Dinah, but she was shaking. "There is more," she said. "What happened with Chuck was only a result, not the cause. In the other Fandom, I was taken prisoner by a vampire who had gifts such as mine, but stronger. He corrupted them, and I have yet to heal from what he did to me. I am not certain if I even can do so."

More hugging then. Because oh, man, did that sound like being an assault victim. And that was what you did for someone who had been through that: gave them uncomplicated support and safety, and whatever they wanted right then. Dinah had seen enough of it, come close enough to it herself, to know that much.

"So you made a bad judgment call because you were messed up," Dinah said softly. "And got in over your head, 'cause you were hurting." She squeezed Raven harder. "That blows. But what that guy did-- I don't know what you mean by corrupt." She pulled back a little to look at Raven, but didn't let her go. "Can you tell me?"

"He was much more skilled than I with his abilities," Raven said softly, blinking away tears. "He made me feel so much pleasure and pain until I could no longer tell the difference between them. I was able to escape from him but found they were still muddled in my mind."

Oh, wow did Dinah get that. Just barely able to really get it, and thank God for Tony, no, really, because she could actually hear this without just flailing. And say the things he'd said, the first time she asked.

"That happens," Dinah said softly. "Okay, it doesn't mean you're 'corrupt.' Some people just like that. They like going to the edge of it, it's about trust. It doesn't mean you always will want that. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, if you're... well. Doing stuff, with someone who's okay with it." Even more softly, "Raven, you're still you. You found out you like some stuff in a scary, scary way. An unfair way. But it doesn't take away what you decide in the future."

"I do not want to want it," Raven said. "I do not want any of it. I fear it will make my father's hold on me stronger. It has already changed me so much."

But not enough that she didn't pick up on Dinah's own distress. "Are you all right?" she said.

Dinah had the momentary impulse to lie, then remembered empath. And also, she was going to be tough about this.

"I'm not totally okay," she answered. "I ... kinda went through something similar in the other world too. It wasn't as scary, but. Well. I was a vampire there. And vampire tastes aren't standard human, in a lot of things." She took a breath. "But. I talked to a friend who gets it. And I'm going to talk to someone else after this party. And I don't want to want stuff that happened to me either. But I'm not going to believe it makes me a bad person. And I won't believe that about you, or about giving in to your dad. Liking pain with pleasure is not the same as wanting to hurt other people, or conquer them. It just isn't."

And God, this was hard to talk about, but she was not going to back away from it. Raven needed to hear it more than Dinah needed her comfort levels.

Edited 2009-08-16 05:25 (UTC)

Raven instinctively reached out to Dinah with her powers, wanting to take the other girl's pain away from her. "You are not to blame for anything your other self did on that world," she said softly. "The vampires had no souls, no conscience to guide their actions. You have both in abundance."

Third Floor Common Room - LUAU

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