fandomhighdorms | 2nd Floor Common Room [Friday Evening]

Vala waves a hand up and down in front of Archie's face.

"Nope, I think he's a gonner," she grins.

Parker snickered and turned back to the TV. "Oo, look, anachronistic politics."

The Round Table

BISHOP GERMANIUS: Arturius, I am afraid your table is defective. Go find one that I can sit at the head of, plzkthnx.

ARTHUR: All men are born equal and free, and thus our table is round.

BISHOP GERMANIUS: You realize that no one's really going to give a shit about the concept of universal freedom for another twelve, thirteen hundred years, right?

ARTHUR: . . .

BISHOP GERMANIUS: Oh, P.S., you're not free after all. You have to do one more mission, on which you will probably die, to save this one kid the Pope really likes.

ARTHUR: Ewww.

BISHOP GERMANIUS: Not like that. That we know of. Have fun breaking the news to your men!

ARTHUR: So. Help. Me. God. If you break. Your word. THIS TIME. I WILL KILL YOU DEAD.

BISHOP GERMANIUS: You realize I totally have to break it now, right?

ARTHUR: SO DEAD.

BISHOP GERMANIUS: Okay, okay, I won't! I won't!

Stable of Faith

ARTHUR: Dear God, please get our asses out of this, but if you can't, kill me and let everyone else get the hell out of here. Amen.

LANCELOT: You suck and your Romans suck and your God sucks.

ARTHUR: Look, man, I just do what they tell me.

LANCELOT: Whatever. Clearly I'm going to die in battle, and I'm really hoping it's not going to be this one, but when I die, don't bury me on this stinking island. Burn me and cast my ashes to the wind.

ARTHUR: Awww, dude! Look what you went and did!

LANCELOT: What?

ARTHUR: Now you're totally going to have to die, so we can dispose of your body in that precise manner. It's like, a rule.

LANCELOT: DAMMIT.

"Now, is it just me, or are those two....?" Parker raises a significant eyebrow.

Sarmatio-Roman Courtyard of Boozing

BORS: Sing us a highly ironic song, Vanora!

VANORA:

Isn't it great that you get to go home,
Set free by those stingy bastards in Rome?
Over the hills and the mountains you'll go,
Except for the part where you won't get to, WOE.

ARTHUR: Uh . . . guys? We need to talk.

LANCELOT: Yeah, tell 'em, Arthur. Tell 'em how your Romans and your God suck.

Five Minutes Later

BORS: RAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

GAWAIN: Aww, man!

TRISTAN: Eh. Not like I had anything better to do.

BORS: *throws things*

ARTHUR: Look. Rome. Has asked us. To do one. More. Thing. Besides, it’s not like you can do anything without your freedom papers.

LANCELOT: We don’t fight for Rome! We fight for YOU!

ARTHUR: Then I’M asking you.

LANCELOT: *sulks*

GALAHAD: Whatever. I fight for you, and I’m in.

GAWAIN: *sulks*

GALAHAD: And so’s Gawain.

GAWAIN: HEY!

DAGONET: I’ll bring Bors when he’s done smashing crockery.

(Somewhere in the background: RAAAAAAAAAAAAA! *SMASH!*)

"I can't help but like Bors. I don't know why."

"Still say they should've knifed the guy and stolen their papers. 'So sorry, Woad attack, happens all the time.'"

"So, maybe I'll do my paper on the Wodes... or are they fake too?"

"I think they're real. But I don't think they were called Woads. Again." Parker grinned. "We should ask Dr. Pierson!"

"I think 'Woads' was sort of a catch-all term the Romans used for the native people, who painted themselves blue for battle. The blue stuff they used was woad, so. Yeah. Toward the end, there's Guinevere with woad. And skimpy leather."

"So then who are these guys?" she says, gesturing at the OMGSaxonHordes.

"Those are the Saxons! Remember, we talked about them in class?"

"O.K., so where are the Vikings?"

"Not for another couple hundred years."

"Oh, good... I guess."

"No, I can see that," Vala muses on Bores. "Oh, and Arther and Lansalot?" she nodded knowingly, "Totally."

"If Lancelot is anything like Horatio . . ." mutters Archie, without realizing he's said it.

Vala raises an eyebrow and wonders if Jaye knows anything about this....

Parker raises an eyebrow right back, and remembers what Jack said about Archie's kissing.

Zero joins the little trio of raised eyebrows. Previously unexplored layers to Mr. Kennedy, it seems.

Forest of Mystical Mist

ANTOINE FUQUA: Crank that fog machine on up, boys!

AUDIENCE: Heh heh. She said “Fuqua.”

FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD SPIDER-WOADS: *shoot vines all across the forest so no one can go that way*

ARTHUR AND KNIGHTS: *ride around in a panic*

FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD SPIDER-WOADS: *shoot vines all across the forest so no one can go that way*

ARTHUR AND KNIGHTS: *ride around in a panic*

FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD SPIDER-WOADS: *shoot vines all across the forest so no one can move at all*

ARTHUR: Hi, can we help you or something?

WOADS: WE KEEL YOU!

SOME MYSTICAL GUY IN THE WOODS: *blows mystical horn*

WOADS: . . .

SOME MYSTICAL GUY IN THE WOODS: *stares*

WOADS: . . .

ARTHUR: Uh, guys . . . ?

WOADS: *leave*

LANCELOT: . . . the hell was that all about?

"And again with the utterly random. I could write a better screenplay than this."

Woading Woadton in the Woods

SOME ELDER WOAD: Why'd you stop them from killing Arthur? They had all the knights right there!

MERLIN: I just got this knife that says that a metric assload of Saxons are coming. We're gonna need those guys.

SOME ELDER WOAD: So . . . basically . . . that whole Spider-Woad thing was totally pointless.

MERLIN: That's about the way of it, yeah.

Villa Romana

RICH ROMAN GUY: Thank God you're here!

ARTHUR: Pack your asses up, we gots to jet.

RICH ROMAN GUY: But all our stuff is here--!

ARTHUR: Saxons: coming. You: leaving. Chop chop!

TWO SCRAGGLY MONKS: *are bricking up a wall*

ARTHUR: HEY! What the hell are you doing?

TWO SCRAGGLY MONKS: Nothing! Nothing!

ARTHUR: Dagonet!

DAGONET: *busts a stone wall down hardcore with, like, an axe*

ARTHUR: Hey, there’s a door under there.

TWO SCRAGGLY MONKS: It’s locked.

ARTHUR: Well, UNLOCK IT THEN.

TWO SCRAGGLY MONKS: From the inside.

ARTHUR: All right, now I’m really calling shenanigans. Dagonet!

DAGONET: *chops the door down like whoa*

"Wait, were they even Christian yet?"

Subterranean Torture Chamber

ARTHUR: Oh my God, I thought the Spanish Inquisition wasn’t gonna be for another thousand years.

FREAKY MONK: Nobody ever expects the Spanish Inquisition!
© 2004 Cleolinda Jones. All rights reserved. cleolinda.livejournal.com
LANCELOT: *kills Freaky Monk* NO PYTHON QUOTES!

ARTHUR: Check for survivors! And YOU! What the hell is wrong with you?

CRAZY MONK: We had to save their pagan souls!

ARTHUR: By torturing and killing them?

LANCELOT: I TOLD YOU YOUR GOD SUCKS!

DAGONET: Hey, I just found the girliest kid ever over here!

THE GIRLIEST KID EVER: *luffs Dagonet*

TRISTAN: We got another one over here!

ARTHUR: Oh my God! Look how thin she is! They’ve been starving her to death!

GUINEVEIRA [rasping]: No, just . . . small-boned . . .

ARTHUR: *lifts Guineveira into his arms*

GUINEVEIRA: *swoons*

ARTHUR: We need water!

GUINEVEIRA: Hey baby, did you catch that swoon? I can do it again.

"Not that I blame her, but, oh my god. Way to impress a guy."

"'The Romans wouldn't let us have sleeves!'"

((Could not resist.))

"Yeah, shouldn't she be freezing? And what's with the bricking people into holes in the ground? If they had something built like that, why are they living in a little hut that looks like it's going to blow right over?

"And shooting vines?" Who wrote this story???"

"No idea. I think they saw Tarzan too many times. Or maybe Braveheart. And Dr. Pierson would *kill* me if we showed you that."

ARTHUR: GAHHHH. *cuts Some Guy down* You’re all free! Free—

SAXON DRUMS: *thunder ominously*

ARTHUR: —to get the shit out of here. Damn, they’re close.

SERF GUY: Let me serve you! I want to fight!

ARTHUR: Shpfff. I’m not letting you have sharp things, either. You wanna serve? Pack everybody up, we’re movin’ out.

LANCELOT: ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

TRISTAN: Dude, I don’t think we can make it with all of them.

ARTHUR: Tough shit. Move ‘em on out!

Flaming Villa Romana, Later That Day

CERDIC: How do you feel about betraying your people?

TRAITOR SERF: In that I’m not getting gutted and raped and burninated too? Pretty good, actually.

CERDIC: Touché. But you’re not betraying them enough, because they all escaped. Where’d they go?

TRAITOR SERF: Probably up the mountains to the lake . . . .? Oh, and I heard some Arthur guy is with them. Total badass, never lost a battle, walks on water, etc.

CERDIC: Hmph.

Scenes from a Traveling Caravan

GUINEVEIRA [clinging]: They tortured me . . . ! With machines . . . ! And then you came . . . ! And saved me . . . !

ARTHUR: Sure, whatever. Hey, lady, you got any athelas?

RICH ROMAN LADY: The hell . . . ?

ARTHUR: Do I have to do everything around here? Look, babe--they severely fucked up your fingers back there, and you're totally going to need them in about fifteen minutes, so I'm going to have to reset them or relocate them or something, okay?

GUINEVEIRA: . . .

GUINEVEIRA'S FINGER: *crrrrrack*

GUINEVEIRA: !!!!!

GUINEVEIRA'S OTHER FINGER: *crrrrrunch*

GUINEVEIRA: !@#$@#!#$!@!

ARTHUR: You okay?

GUINEVEIRA [weakly]: I'm Guinevere. You're Arthur. *passes out*

ARTHUR: Thanks for clearing that up, babe.

"Wuss." Parker's had broken fingers before. Okay, she wasnt starving at the time, but she didn't pass out.

* * *

GUINEVEIRA: Hey, baby! Hey baby, you so fine, baby!

ARTHUR: *keeps riding*

GUINEVEIRA: I've heard lots of stories about you, about how you're a big strong killative man.

ARTHUR: *keeps riding*

GUINEVEIRA: Hey, can I borrow a cup of sex?

ARTHUR: *rides away*

GUINEVEIRA: DAMMIT.

Parker can't stop laughing at how Arthur is blowing off Gueineveira.

"What is he doing to her hand?" Vala screws up her face in disgust. "Does he think that's really going to help?

"Oh, and Arthur and Lansalots?" *nods* "Give it up, girlfriend."

"Does anyone else get the impression Arthur's more interested in Lancelot than Guinevere, or is that a byproduct of watching this the first time with Twitch?"

"Oh, hell yes. I mean, Gueneveira's a stick, and a twit, and a twerp. Lance is... humina humina humina." Parker sighed. "Ahem. And I have no idea about medieval first aid. That looks stupid to me. And also? No painkillers. Maybe he just wants her to stop hitting on him."

Lancelot stumbles across the Roman lady bathing Guinevere in the wagon. In the snow. With the one transparent piece of fabric in the whole caravan draped across as a screen.

GUINEVEIRA: Hey, Sir Sexalot! Join in or buzz off!

LANCELOT: *runs away*

GUINEVEIRA: WILL NO ONE HELP OUT A HORNY WOAD?

"Thus proving that Lance wants Arthur, too." Parker sighed. "Okay, so, if we could just get them away from Guineveira, and... Ahem. Right. British history. Watching movie. Right."

Forest of Mystical Mistiness

GUINEVEIRA puts on a cloak of harlot scarlet red and wanders into the woods, her eyes beckoning to Arthur. He follows her into the mists.

ARTHUR: Hey baby, you clean up pretty good.

MERLIN [stepping out of mist]: Hi.

ARTHUR: OMGWTF you betrayed me!

GUINEVEIRA: Look, I just went out for a walk. You're the one stalking my ass, pal.

MERLIN: So about these Saxons—

ARTHUR: Look, Papa Smurf, I’m a Roman and Romans hate Woads.

MERLIN: But the Saxons—

ARTHUR: WOADS KILLED MY MOTHER!

MERLIN: Oh, come on, now you’re just pulling things out of your ass.

ARTHUR: YOU KILLED HER!

MERLIN: Oh, yeah . . . yeah, I kinda did.

Flaming Flashback

Merlin’s Woads are burninating—yea, verily, even the thatched-roof cottages —and Arthur’s mother is shrieking. Arthur, who looks about eight years old going on five, runs to his father’s grave and heaves the sword sticking out of the burial mound amid great flashes of fire and importance.

ANTOINE FUQUA: *steals Ridley Scott’s Dramatic Shaky Slo-Mo right out from under him*

Young Arthur is too late to save his mother and the whole place goes up in flames.

YOUNG ARTHUR: NOOOOOOO!!!

Forest of Mystical Mistiness

ARTHUR: . . . And the lambs NEVER STOPPED SCREAMING!

MERLIN: Arthur, your mother was a Briton like us. I mean, it kind of sucks that we killed her, too, but you see what I'm saying. You're one of us.

ARTHUR: Fuck you.

MERLIN: See? Right down to the Middle English swearwords. Your British mother's love saved you from Voldemort freed the sword! Not your father's hate!

ARTHUR: Really? Huh.

GUINEVEIRA: Wow, you got over that fast.

"Someone make that make sense. Aside from Arthur being British, or something."

"No, no, half-British. Like me. The other half is...I don't know, where was that, Russia? Is he Russian? So confused. If we'd taken Guinevere out of the picture, British history'd be a much different place. A much gayer place."

"Oh, I don't know... I think it's plenty gay enough as it is," Vala chipped in, tossing a look over her shoulder at Archie and snickering. "I mean look at Lansalot run...."

Re: King Arthur-- the movie! (Thank you, Cleolinda and m15m)

Re: King Arthur-- the movie! (Thank you, Cleolinda and m15m)

Re: King Arthur-- the movie! (Thank you, Cleolinda and m15m)

Re: King Arthur-- the movie! (Thank you, Cleolinda and m15m)

Re: King Arthur-- the movie! (Thank you, Cleolinda and m15m)

Re: King Arthur-- the movie! (Thank you, Cleolinda and m15m)

Re: King Arthur-- the movie! (Thank you, Cleolinda and m15m)

Re: King Arthur-- the movie! (Thank you, Cleolinda and m15m)

Re: King Arthur-- the movie! (Thank you, Cleolinda and m15m)

Re: King Arthur-- the movie! (Thank you, Cleolinda and m15m)

Re: King Arthur-- the movie! (Thank you, Cleolinda and m15m)

Re: King Arthur-- the movie! (Thank you, Cleolinda and m15m)

Re: King Arthur-- the movie! (Thank you, Cleolinda and m15m)

Re: King Arthur-- the movie! (Thank you, Cleolinda and m15m)

Re: King Arthur-- the movie! (Thank you, Cleolinda and m15m)

Re: King Arthur-- the movie! (Thank you, Cleolinda and m15m)

Re: King Arthur-- the movie! (Thank you, Cleolinda and m15m)

Re: King Arthur-- the movie! (Thank you, Cleolinda and m15m)

Re: King Arthur-- the movie! (Thank you, Cleolinda and m15m)

Re: King Arthur-- the movie! (Thank you, Cleolinda and m15m)

Re: King Arthur-- the movie! (Thank you, Cleolinda and m15m)

Re: King Arthur-- the movie! (Thank you, Cleolinda and m15m)

Re: King Arthur-- the movie! (Thank you, Cleolinda and m15m)

Re: King Arthur-- the movie! (Thank you, Cleolinda and m15m)

Re: King Arthur-- the movie! (Thank you, Cleolinda and m15m)