Fandom High Dormitories

There is a faint squeal of feedback before a familiar voice announces, with no little glee, "By the power vested in me by our Dean of Students, I, Spider Jerusalem, am allowed to leave campus once a week! Huzzah! Let there be rejoicing!"

There is a click.

Two minutes later, there's another faint squeal and Spider is back. He sounds far less excited this time. "Oh, and I'm now Dean of Faculty too. Fear me, rash mortals, etc. etc."

There is a final click and then silence.

Rules for interacting with Professor Jerusalem outside of class.

I don't want to live here. I hate it here. If you want to co-exist in peace, please remember the following.

1. My security system is custom issue and designed to maim or kill. I do not invite students into my quarters for any reason, so no exceptions will be made save for my eventual Teaching Assistant. There is a large sign stating thus just outside my door in eight languages and my lawyers assure me that this absolves me from any legal action if you are, in fact, killed or maimed when attempting entry.

2. If your key accidentally takes you inside my quarters when you were aiming for, say, Chemistry Class, please make your way immediately to the nearest exit and let yourself out. Touch anything and I will not only know, I will hunt you down and feed you to the bouncer... thing outside the teacher's lounge. Alive.

3. I don't appreciate disruptions when I'm working, sleeping, eating, relaxing, having sex, researching or breathing. If it is an emergency or you have money, drugs or porn, my reaction is liable to be somewhat toned down.

4. Clothing inside my quarters is optional. If I answer the door in the altogether, you have no one to blame but yourself.

5. Yes, the tattoos are real. No, you may not touch them. Any of them. Ever.

6. If there are complaints about your behavior on-campus I am the de facto bad cop and, believe me, I'm more than capable of living up to the title.

7. Do not attempt to intimidate or threaten me. I have broken world leaders. I have been beaten, tortured, forcibly tattooed, humiliated, sliced up and shot and none of this has so much as slowed me down. I don't care if you can make fire come out of your ass or if your daddy is the richest man on your planet. Trying to pull shit and then trying to bully or extort your way out of the consequences will result in a quick trip through locker 327 at the very least.

8. Bribery is always okay.

9. I have a special, burning hatred for bullies.

10. Yes, I am available for outside class consultation and other instructor-like duties. By appointment only. Do not just casually drop by my quarters unless you are prepared for the possible consequences.